By Miles Hardwick Barleycorn III, Esquire
As most of you have probably heard, SKA has decided that DHC is now deceased. The circumstantial evidence doesn’t look good for him: hasn’t logged on in 10 days, and even worse, hasn’t crowed about Larry Fitzgerald reaching 100 catches for the 300th time. That’s when I knew. Quite frankly, even this scant amount of “research” represents about 25x the amount devoted to any other SKA troll comment.
DHC, if you’re out there reading this, I hope you have the integrity to do what needs to be done to make this article accurate so my reputation doesn’t suffer.
He Wasn’t A Brilliant Man, But He Was Racist
Some of DHC’s trolls/arguments literally had me perplexed at the absolute lack of logic and critical thinking involved. In a nutshell, he was a perfect SKA specimen: too proud to admit when he’s wrong, too stupid to grasp new concepts, but not quite evil enough to settle for a government job in Washington.
I like to think of DHC as a guy I’d enjoy having over for beers. He loved his football, he liked his booze, he liked women with jiggly ass and tittays, and he liked his friends as pale as possible. We can all aspire to this, especially MB3, Gubby, and Yoshii. LOL! Good luck guys.
How I See Death
All of you, given enough time, are going to die. That much we know, so it’s best to accept it. In the end, it’s going to still be me trolling your grandkids and their grandkids, and I promise you, I’m going to convince them that each and every one of you was a flaming gay that worshipped my every utterance. And that cycle will repeat itself until our Sun burns out and I have to make like Princess Leia and float towards a new galaxy to torment.
On a serious tip, no matter your age or your health, I hope you realize by now that death isn’t something most people get to plan for. Life isn’t a progress bar where we can all decide to suddenly get serious when we see it hit 95%. In my short 40 years on Earth, I’ve had close friends and family die from cancer, old age, car accidents, suicide, war, murder…the full spectrum…even heard about some uncle that died from blowing his nose too hard and had an aneurysm. Bet you he didn’t have any heartfelt notes ready before that happened. I had another relative that they found literally frozen to death back in the 40’s. His furnace stopped working, and he just threw a blanket over himself, took a nap and said Fuck It.
The point is, whatever you need to get done in life, be working on it now. Whoever you NEED to hear something from your heart, make that dinner date now. The only constant I’ve personally seen is that these things literally NEVER happen when you just play it by ear. Shit happens. Even those of us who are young, sharp, and totally in control still can’t account for a drunk driver randomly turning into our lane at the last second. Don’t think you get to pick this day: you don’t. Not for yourself, not for anyone else.
Where Is DHC Now?
If you ask me, he’s just dead and there’s nothing. It’s a very human conceit to believe that our organs stop functioning and NOW THE PARTY BEGINS! But, the poor guy was a Cards fan, so maybe he had a point. Even an afterlife filled with nothing has got to be better than watching your favorite franchise continue the slow hellish descent towards 200+ games below .500.
Does DHC Know We Loved Him?
I believe he did, but that’s MY conceit showing. To continually waste our time here, there has to be equal parts respect, bitterness, revenge, and love. It’s a really fucked up cake Chef Keal has prepared for us. I don’t believe in seances or that kind of bullshit, but I like to picture BKOB going to the trouble of having one just to tell DHC that Patrick Peterson is overrated one last time as he runs out of the room giggling like a madman all the way back to his old man’s garage.
In short, Zippy. But I promise to have a cover band play his favorite song, GnR’s “November Rain” over and over nonstop during his funeral. He would have wanted it this way. I’m even going to personally work with the Slash of the band to make sure that his solo is extra long and noodley. I’m getting emotional just picturing it.