By Miles Hardwick Barleycorn III, Esquire
It seems you can’t turn on the news these days without reading about some 49er or Seahawk player punching out his girlfriend, wife, and/or mother. Even though it may not seem like it, domestic violence is actually a huge problem for 31 NFL teams that aren’t the Packers. I know what you’re thinking: why can’t other teams just be the Packers? While this would solve the issue once and for all, unfortunately no other teams get to be the Packers. So, let’s think outside the box, and come up with other solutions. Here are a few humble suggestions I’ve come up with.
Limit Your Sass-talk
Nothing sets a good Christian man off like a lippy broad. The last thing your man needs after a hard day at practice is you sharing your “thoughts” with him as soon as he steps in the door. While shutting up and removing your clothes is the least selfish option, it’s not as if communication isn’t possible. Here are some contrasting examples:
- “What sandwich would you like, Sugardick?”
- “I noticed you ogling my best friend. Should I invite her over and put something in her drink?”
- “I rearranged your DVD collection from Least to Most Explosions while you were gone.”
- “I think it’s time we talked about marriage and/or starting a family.”
- “My mom and dad are in town.”
- “I got everything from your list but I left the bottled water in the van because it was too heavy for me.”
- “I love you.”
Be More Pretty
One of the biggest stressors on a relationship is your man’s attraction to women that aren’t you. Time and time again, I see women make the mistake of placing the blame on the man here, when the real issue is you not being more beautiful. Did you get boob and/or butt implants yet? If so, are you sure you went big enough? Another great piece of advice is to surprise him with a different hair color and style every night of the week, while wearing a different costume. Some examples that we’ve seen great success with: French Maid, Busty Policewoman, Japanese Schoolgirl, Angry Sasquatch.
Hit Him First
If you’ve tried everything and you still just can’t seem to avoid making him pummel you, there is one more option: be the aggressor. First, find something metal and heavy, but not so heavy you can’t swing it very fast. Now hide behind the door, and when you hear him coming up the walkway, hit him in the face with everything you’ve got. Chances are he’ll finally respect you and see you as his equal. Remember, ladies, it’s YOUR job to find the sliver of good in very bad men. Don’t fuck this up.