First Article of 2018: The Story of Bearded Keal

First Article of 2018: The Story of Bearded Keal

Twas the season to be merry, give gifts, and consume copious amounts of alcohol celebrating the new year. The kids have Santa Claus, but for everybody on this website, we had a different bearded hero to provide us with joy. Here is the story of the short lived, but legendary figure we now know as Bearded Keal.

The Beginning:

There was a disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids who was part of a secret society of degenerates. This particular degenerate was looking at beard drawings for random reasons (why the fuck do we look anything up on the internet?) and thought this drawing would create the perfect doppelganger if added to somebody’s face. The disgruntled half-Mexican with 4-kids had a beard himself and thought that beards make any man look better.

So the disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids decided to be creative. He added the drawing of the beard to the iconic drawing of the functioning alcoholic who ran the secret society for degenerates and the results were absolutely magnificent.

The secret society for degenerates had been in mourning due to almost certain passing of one of its most beloved members and was in need of some joy to warm their saddened hearts. The disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids decided to create a Disqus profile with the aforementioned picture of the functioning alcoholic leader of the degenerates. The results were immediately successful, with 5 likes coming on the first post.

The Rise to Popularity

Everybody loved Bearded Keal when he joined SKA. Whether it be the functioning alcoholic leader of the degenerates himself, a former drug addict turned Asian, or a baseball obsessed Punjab, he was well received by everybody. Hell, even a disgustingly inappropriate tropical fruit loved him, and they aren’t even people. The disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids created this icon, but Bearded Keal took a mind of his own that that opposed his mild-mannered creator’s, which created enough distance between them be seen as two different people.

He had no filter, posting real-life pictures of other members of this site and ruthlessly insulting an overweight, possibly homosexual former website owner. Now this is all standard for this secret society of degenerates, but what made him so popular is that he had a beard, which makes any man’s accomplishments 10 times greater.

People wanted to talk to him when he was on and talked about him when he wasn’t on. Everybody liked him………………………………………………………………………………………….except one man.

The Unfortunate Banning and Downfall

One day Bearded Keal wanted to post a comment on the secret society for degenerates and saw that he could not because his profile had been banned. Luckily, Bearded Keal had another account and told his namesake, the functioning alcoholic leader of the degenerates, about his misfortune. The functioning alcoholic leader of the degenerates was very reasonable and asked his bearded follower how his unfortunate situation came happened. Unfortunately, instead of shrugging his shoulders like a reasonable person, he blamed an irritable math whiz with mod powers, and his former account was removed from the doghouse. Unbeknownst to Bearded Keal, the irritable math whiz with mod powers took a holy vow of silence from the site, but he saw the whole thing.

The irritable math whiz with mod powers was the prime suspect for the banning, as Bearded Keal had posted a picture of him in real life, which we all assumed he didn’t appreciate (due to potential outrage, I have omitted his real life picture in favor of this gross looking black guy that he associates himself with). All besides the point, however.

Later that day, the irritable math whiz with mod powers used his shitty hypnotic mod powers to track Bearded Keal’s account, and the scumbag went through all the effort to trace it to the disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids’ computer. True to his vows, the irritable math whiz with mod badge remained silent for about 4 hours until one too many comments about is terrible football team put him over the edge. In his tirade, he revealed the tragic truth about Bearded Keal’s origins to the rest of the secret society for degenerates.

One by one, they started to figure out Bearded Keal’s origins, and the luster he once had disappeared. From that moment forward, Bearded Keal was permanently associated with the disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids that created him, which made his once hilarious posts become just became thought of as puppet work by the disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids.

The Tragic Death

By late New Years Eve, Bearded Keal lost the popularity he once had. Members of the secret society for degenerates now started equating Bearded Keal with the mild mannered disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids who created him, which caused him to lose most of his charm.

With nothing to lose, Bearded Keal decided to go on for one final hurrah, expecting to be received with the love and respect he usually got. Instead, he was subjected to harsh criticism from the irritable math whiz with mod powers who proceeded to insult both Bearded Keal and the disgruntled half Mexican with 4 kids who created him. His last post received only a pity like from the functioning alcoholic leader of the degenerates, and sadly, Bearded Keal left this world, alone and sad.

The disgruntled half-Mexican with 4 kids was filled with rage and grief due to the death of his popular creation. He finally snapped, denouncing the irritable math whiz with mod powers’ behavior toward the society’s most likable caricature of all time.

The irritable math whiz with mod powers was remorseful for his behavior, but it was too late. Him being less irritable could not bring Bearded Keal back to life.

The Moral of the Story

Enjoy what you have until it’s gone. Bearded Keal was only with us for 3 days, but he touched many lives in that span and he will be forever remembered as the swaggy, sexy and unapologetic alter ego of the functioning alcoholic who owns this site. Another lesson would be do not post false comments about an irritable math whiz with mod powers. That will cause any joy to turn to ashes in your mouth.

 

Happy New Year Everybody!