KEAL’S HOT TAKES ON CARDINALS’ QB OPTIONS

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    FREE AGENTS / TRADES

    KIRK COUSINS

    Strengths: INCREDIBLY adept at making obscene amounts of money. He’s an earner. Seems to throw for lots of yards. Has his own tag line.

    Weaknesses: Overrated nerd. Probably believes in Jesus

    Odds of acquiring: 20%

    SAM BRADFORD

    Strengths: Can look off two safeties simultaneously. Lots of starts under his belt. Reasonably affordable.

    Weaknesses: Can be counted on for no more than 4 starts per season. Has to wear knee braces on his knee braces.

    Odds of acquiring: 50%

    TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

    Strengths: I really have no idea, he must be good at something. He is REALLY black.

    Weaknesses: He nearly had to have his leg amputated from a non-contact injury in PRACTICE. #SAD #MAGA

    Odds of acquiring: 30%

    BIG DICK NICK FOLES

    Strengths: Ideal size and arm strength for an NFL QB. SuperBowl MVP. Huge penis.

    Weaknesses: Gives all glory to God and keeps none for himself. What a maroon.

    Odds of acquiring: 40%

    2018 NFL DRAFT

    SAM DARNOLD

    Strengths: They say he is really good. IDK and IDC.

    Weaknesses: Heard him in an interview. Talks with a lisp, like a REALLY gay lisp.

    Odds of acquiring: 2%

    JOSH ROSEN

    Strengths: Most polished “pro-ready” prospect according to most scouts. Free thinker.

    Weaknesses: They say he is kind of an asshole like Jay Cutler. This is actually a strength IMO but I had to put something here. I like this kid.

    Odds of acquiring: 10%

    JOSH ALLEN

    Strengths: Gigantic man-child who can throw a football through a wall. Has comparisons to Carson Wentz because of the small school career

    Weaknesses: I don’t think he even shaves yet but he is strong like bull. Accuracy is an issue.

    Odds of acquiring: 20%

    BAKER MAYFIELD

    Strengths: Very accurate passer. Is more black than Russell Wilson. SWAG level is adequate. Hobbies include interpretive dance.

    Weaknesses: Undersized with small hands. Probably has a small penis as well which explains the “chip on his shoulder” everyone keeps yapping about.

    Odds of acquiring: 30%

    LAMAR JACKSON

    Strengths: Freakish athlete. Ability to sell fuck tons of jerseys for the Cardinals.

    Weaknesses: After listening to him in a radio interview yesterday, I have very real concerns that he is actually mentally retarded.

    Odds of acquiring: 80%

    AUTHOR

    chriskeal

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