You may have noticed that my predictions have gotten off to a rough start. You may think that just like the last five years, I’ve been overly optimistic on the 49ers, and too pessimistic on the Seahawks. And although the records bear this out, I maintain that my reasoning has been sound.
Now just because people like Maynard like to pretend that everyone is out to get them, the fact is that every year on SKA, except for one, I have underestimated the number of wins that Seattle would have, and overestimated the number of wins that the 49ers would have. Because of this, I cannot discount the possibility that some kind of pity-based bias has influenced my rolling projections; however, the reasoning for being bullish on the 49ers was rock solid. You see, 49er fans told me that the team was going to be great. That the talent was rich. That the coaching was fierce. Even that the fans would finally stay for the second half! I believed them. And I still do.
Tonight, assuming Keal posts this article in a reasonable amount of time, the 49ers will dismantle the Raiders. I predict a 35-6 victory. Nick Mullins (sp?) goes for four TDs and over 400 passing yards. Matt Breeduh (sp?) runs for 150. To paraphrase from the great Silent Bob: Joshua Garnett will be steam rollin’ niggas like an 18-wheeler, with a drunk driver driving (there’s no surviving). This victory will launch the 49ers into their destiny. They will win out their remaining games and make it to the playoffs. Four wins after that, the long promised Quest for Six will finally be completed. Lisa will be happy despite living in Florida. 4905 will get himself some fancy beer, like Coors. Scotti will get up the courage to ask out that cute girl at the bowling alley on a date. Maynard will venture out of his computer room and join a softball league. Tribe will get an apartment. I will be happy for my fellow SKAians. I can’t wait. To the projections!
San Francisco 49ers – Previous Prediction: 12-4
I already described much of this above, but basically destiny is about to sweep down like a screaming American Eagle, mounted by Donald J. Trump himself, and carry this team to destiny. Get ready, Faithful!
Rolling Prediction: 9-7.
Los Angeles Rams – Previous Prediction: 12-4.
I have nothing against the Rams, it’s just that destiny has spoken. For the 49ers to take the division, the Rams can only win one more game (which will obviously be against the Seahawks). Sorry Rams fans. As Brew would say: sucks to suck.
Rolling Prediction: 9-7 (tiebreaker goes to 49ers based on reasons).
Arizona Cardinals – Previous Prediction: 3-13
This team has two wins left in them. One over the Rams (due to the 49ers destiny!), and the other over the hapless Seattle Seahawks, at Quest Field. Thankfully, 5-11 will probably be enough to save Wilks his job. It helps that he’s black because Michael Bidwill is a goober that wants to appeal to the younger generation (Riff Raff fans and such).
Rolling Prediction: 5-11
Seattle Seahawks – Previous Prediction: 2-14
Seattle managed to squeak out some sloppy looking victories over horrible teams. Whoopity Doo. Any Given Sunday and so on and so forth. In the long run, all they managed to do was insure that they will not be drafting in the top 2, which will probably set their franchise back another 10 years. Good job guys. Woe is me. Woe is Bob. No MAGA. ReTodd will have his sobriety. KZ will have his grill. OSS will have the neighbor lady. BKOB will have his trails. Bob will always have is 2303 candy bars. I can’t say the same for myself. I guess I’ll take up shuffle boarding.
Rolling Prediction: 4-12.