Rolling Projections of the Final NFC West Standings

    750 400 Munkey

    The new NFL football season is upon us. More so than previous years, this season carries intrigue and mystery for the NFC West. Several offseason changes and extenuating circumcisions have muddied the predictive waters for this division that we all know and love.

    • This will be Jimmy G’s first fully year in Shanahan’s system. Can he become the second coming of Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers and Joe Montana and Steve Young and Dan Marino, all wrapped up together, as has been promised by The Faithful? Or will he go the way of their last great white hype, Brian Hoyer?

    • Arizona is finally out from under the control of Bruce Arians, who has departed from the league in order to take on more responsibilities as a lieutenant in the LGBT Mafia. Their new coach is BBC Wilks, whatever that means. As Palmer has retired, Wilks has organized a plan to find the QB of the future. They have pulled Sam Bradford off the scrap heap and paid him starter money; they raided Soldier Field and made off with Mike Glennon, even as the Bears front office pleaded with them to take him. Then they drafted a rich kid who was raised to be a banker by his. Let’s see how it works out. Also, Wilks looks like a donkey that was hit in the face with a sledge hammer and then set on fire.

    • The Sean McVay led Rams stormed the league last year before getting punked in the playoffs in very embarrassing fashion. This is the final year of their two-year window, as admitted by their feminine looking GM, so let’s see if they can improve on their 1-and-done performance of last year.

    • Seattle has lost Richard Sherman, who was hurt most of last year; Kam Chancellor, who was hurt most of last year; Michael Bennett, who was ineffectual most of last year; and Cliff Avril, who was hurt most of last year. That is a lot of talent to not have to replace. In addition, they have been saddled with housing a football deity, one William Dissly, for at least the next four years. Will, or Uncle Will as his followers call him, was sent to Earth to revive football as we used to know it. His soft hands, route-running acumen, and vicious yet considerate blocking will remind people that football is a beautiful game that should be played by gentlemen and scholars. His perfection is going to put a lot of pressure on the other players and coaching staff.

    Enough of the off-season recap, let’s take a look at how things unfolded during week 1.

    • Through a series of unfortunate events that are in no way related to football abilities, the 49ers were utterly dominated by the Vikings. Jimmy G was unfairly targeted by the Vikings’ pass rush, a strategy that Shanahan and Jimmy G could not have been expected to foresee, and as a result he posted a 45.1 passer rating (nestled snuggly between Blaine Gabbert and Nathan Perriman at #32 in the league). Despite being utterly dominated, the 49ers managed to lose by just 8 points. As Lisa, one member of The Faithful put it: “Two or three plays break the other way, and that’s easily a 35 point victory by the 49ers over a good team.” Very true Lisa, very true. The 49ers put the league on notice. I predict 15-1.

    • The Rams took the division lead with a strong road showing over Oakland. It was tied at some point in the second half, before the talent gradient took over and St. Louis ground down the Raiders. This is what good teams should do. At this point, I predict 11-5, because that is the kind of record that good teams have.

    • The Cardinals put forth an utterly forgettable losing effort, and I am already bored writing about them even though this is still my first sentence. The most boring record in the NFL is 5-11, so that is what I predict for them.

    • Yikes! The Seattle Seahawk game was ugly. It may look like just a three-point road loss in Denver on paper, but it was really much, much worse than that. Russell Wilson’s 9.03 YPA was evidence Schottenheimer’s offense would stifle any ability for Seattle to move the ball down field. Sebastian Janikowski missed field goal seemed to prove that he is just Blair Walsh in a fat suit. I could go on and on, but I won’t…, for the sake of my fellow 12s. I’ll just predict 0-16 and get it over with.

    BYE!

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