Let’s face it,..
The NFL has fallen victim to a generation of political correctness and cuckery. What was once a glorious game of goliaths, has turned into a league of flower picking sissies like Gubby. In an effort to decrease player safety, increase BIG HITS and pace of play, I have whipped up some new rules which would MAke Football GreAt Again!
“Advancements in helmet design technology are providing players with superficial protection,
increased peripheral vision, and mac daddy swagger.” – The Travis Kelce CTE Foundation
Just Let The Kids Play Ball
Just like Beaster, NFL players have a very limited number of brain cells, so why does the league bother on trying to preserve them? The fans love a good prime time beheading of an opposing player, and big hits = big ratings. If I wanted to see people play half-ass football with limited contact, I would go watch Special Olympic re-runs on VHS. By allowing targeting and helmet-to-helmet contact, players can strategically cripple the opposing team with well-placed cheap shots and make for some killer highlight reels!
“I can’t fucking believe I paid $7000 for tickets to see a punting contest and a Maroon 5 concert” – Anonymous Super Bowl Attendee
Say “NO” To Shitty Music
Rajip Goodell must have an auditory deficiency based on the Super Bowl half time music selection over the past few years. I remember a few years ago when the Red Hot Chili Peppers opened for Bruno Mars (I can’t believe that was a fucking thing). Bruno Fartstick Mars was the main attraction, and the RHCP were there to back him up and save the place from burning to the ground. That’s like trying to cure Jordy’s lung cancer with a band aid, absolutely deplorable. To add to this, every Madden soundtrack since 2007 has been a pile of hot garbage.
Long-time Cleveland Browns fan Ernice Winkler passes away in his seat during an insufferable 0-0 overtime stalemate against the Arizona Cardinals.
Picture yourself in the shoes of MFA. It’s 10pm, and your pathetic team has yet once again failed to score in regulation. Despite this, the opposing team is equally as bad, and the game is going into overtime. All the remaining 100 fans are either asleep or blackout drunk in their seats, so why keep playing? Oh and while we’re at it, lets bend the rules and have them make absolutely no fucking sense. That is why I am proposing the elimination of overtime and replacing it with a good ole’ fashioned Field Goal Shoot Out. The format is as follows:
- Each kicker will begin with a 5yd field goal attempt
- The ball will be placed 10yd further away after every successful kick
- First kicker to miss loses
- In the event that both kickers miss on the same attempt, a gladiator style fight to the death will ensue on the 50yd line to determine a winner. Weapons and trickery will be enabled.