By Miles Hardwick Barleycorn III, Esquire
All of us here at SKA have some sort of expertise: whether it’s Jordy and his Jackson Pollack-inspired porcelain splatter paintings, Bader and his credit churning, or NoShoes and his continued inability to find some goddamn shoes. Our focus this week is on the resident tech expert of the blog, sf49ers4905. Sit back and enjoy as he teaches us to technology correctly.
The Mobile Computational Device
The first gadget Mr. 4905 wanted to show me was a tiny foldable lightweight computer that used lithium battery technology, making it ideal for trolling Nav on the go. The greatest feature, however, was the 110 foot ethernet cord which allowed for easy internetting up to 35 yards away! Think about that for a second: 4905 is able to internet well beyond distances that his quarterback can throw. What a time to be alive!
He demonstrated this ability as he took his dog for a short walk outside the house while still typing snarky comments directed at Nav. At roughly 110 feet from the router, the walk was effectively over, although the dog was able to travel a further 8 feet by virtue of his leash.
The Armory Slash Man-Cave
As a former police officer, having a guest bedroom fully dedicated to advanced weaponry is a must, especially when you have a lunatic like Nav on the loose. Besides the usual silenced AK-47’s for small game hunting, he also owned THE automated 50 caliber tracking gun used by Bruce Willis to blow Jack Black’s arm off in The Jackal.
The real highlight here, however was a fully-operational ICBM warhead from the Ukraine circa the Russian Collapse. This was gifted from Putin to Trump after the 2016 election, and then re-gifted from Trump to 4905 for his continued service here on SKA. You know, it’s difficult for me to respect a man that re-gifts. Still, he’s Our President. We grabbed a couple dozen Vietnam-era hand grenades to catch some dinner from his fish pond and left.
Now, this one just seemed ridiculous, but you really have to see these things in action to fully appreciate them. Mrs. 4905 made us some corn on the cob, and after a rough pull-start, 4905 went through 18 ears in 3.8 seconds. Remarkable.
A wonderful, enlightening time was had by all on this lovely New Mexico evening. However, I knew it was time to wrap up when 4905’s little granddaughter pulled a pin from one of our fish grenades, giggled, and lobbed it directly into my lap.