By Miles Hardwick Barleycorn III, Esquire
Think about the worst crime-ridden areas in America’s recent history. Cabrini Green of 80’s Chicago? Child’s play. Compton, Los Angeles? Don’t make me laugh. Hell’s Kitchen, NY? Come on, it’s basically a suburb today. Obviously, we’re talking about the rough and tumble world one can only experience by managing a Kroger’s supermarket in Fairbanks, Alaska.
A History of Mildly Annoying Customers
This particular Kroger’s was a hotbed of crime for years, spitting out one broken-down manager after another. You had middle-aged white women stealing tampons, middle-aged white men swapping price tags from ground chuck onto expensive cuts of ribeye, and their evil white children stealing the occasional pack of baseball cards. Yes, it was truly Hell on Earth.
The local populace learned to live in fear, knowing that every trip to replace their supply of Pop-Tarts could result in coming across someone who had been drinking, possibly even saying something to them. Many took the easy way out and chose to starve to death instead. In this lawless Hellscape, at its very lowest point, there rose one man who could combat it—one man, in the name of love.
The John Wayne of Fairbanks
One day an expressionless, uninteresting man with extremely thin hair came ambling in to this Kroger’s and exclaimed, “I’m here for the manager’s position.” The entire store came to a standstill, alarmed by his beauty and alpha male swagger. The womenfolk soaked their panties clean through and were reduced to quivering blobs trying to hide the fact they were having multiple orgasms in front of the milk display.
The criminal element slunk back into the shadows near the cookie and cracker aisle, working on a plan to overthrow this modern-day Wyatt Earp. They knew they couldn’t just gradually overwhelm him like they had all the others; they’d need to send the worst of the worst after him, all at once.
Stop, Thief, or I Shall Cross My Arms A Second Time
The following Monday, the plan was put into effect. Three of Fairbanks most-feared villains showed up at Kroger’s and set about to remove their greatest threat. They sneered as they passed the glassy-eyed hunk of justice, who was patiently setting up a Coke and Sprite display that spelled “Matt Flynn 4ever”. Without warning, they turned and screamed “You going down, Johnny Law!” as they barreled down on the unsuspecting store manager. The other customers dropped their Oreos and were reduced to tears.
But then, something incredible happened. Instead of being torn to shreds, the man leapt into a defensive position with cat-like reflexes. He stood facing the oncoming attackers, folded his arms in front of his chest, and then heaved his chest forward while pressing against his arms in order to accentuate his size. The criminals stopped dead in their tracks, and exploded into an incredibly messy splash of blood and gore. Four women who accidentally witnessed the Pose were spontaneously impregnated and carried the super-seed to a full term and gave birth, all within a span of 8-10 seconds, right there in the deli aisle. One of the women was 87.
The dull-looking, monotoned Hero, covered in chunks of intestine and brain matter, slowly unlocked his mystical Pose and motioned to the onlookers, “They call me DGDub, and so long as I hold the secrets to the Power Pose, never again shall you be afraid while shopping for reasonably priced meats and canned goods. And don’t forget to check out the Bakery. Eclairs are 50% off today.”