The Real BKOB Report – 2018 – Week 17 Edition

    835 425 BKOB


    Well, the time has come. The 2018 Regular Season is over and, after today, I have no more Stats to Copy/Paste. Now please, remain calm. I have prepared you for the journey ahead, and I must now push you forth from the Knowledge Nest – high above the snowy peaks of Mount Boner – secure in my belief that you are ready for the trials that await you in the long, unforgiving Offseason ahead. Now spread your wings, Knowledge Seeker, and take flight.

    These are the Stats that will keep you and your family safe from Fake Knowledge/Anti-Reality Assassins who only wish to deceive and manipulate you, like k1. Just remember your training and you’ll know what to do.

    And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… The final Knowledge Tables of 2018. What was your team good at this year? What were they bad at? Before today, there was no way of knowing for sure. Now is your chance to finally find out, by using these nifty Knowledge Tables!! And this week includes special extended end-of-year NFCW STATS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    NFCW Quarterbacks (Ranked by Passer Rating)
    R Wilson – 280/427 (65.6%) 3,448 yds, 8.1 ypa, 35 td, 7 int, 110.9 rtg
    J Goff – 364/561 (64.9%) 4,688yds, 8.4 ypa, 32 td, 12 int, 101.1 rtg
    N Mullens – 176/274 (64.2%) 2,277yds, 8.3 ypa, 13td, 10int, 90.8 rtg
    J Garoppolo – 53/89 (59.6%) 718 yds, 8.1 ypa, 5 td, 3 int, 90.0 rtg
    C Beathard – 102/169 (60.4%) 1,252 yds, 7.4 ypa, 8 td, 7 int, 81.8 rtg
    J Rosen – 217/393 (55.2%) 2,278 yds, 5.8 ypa, 11 td, 14 int, 66.7 rtg
    S Bradford – 50/80 (62.5%) 400 yds, 5.0 ypa, 2 td, 4 int, 62.5 rtg

    NFCW Rushers (Ranked by Rushing Yards)
    T Gurley – 256 att, 1,251 yds, 4.9 ypc, 17 td, 0 fum
    C Carson – 247 att, 1,151 yds, 4.7 ypa, 9 td, 3 fum
    D Johnson – 258 att, 940 yds, 3.6 ypa, 7 td, 2 fum
    M Breida – 153 att, 814 yds, 5.3 ypa, 3 td, 1 fum
    M Davis – 112 att, 514 yds, 4.6 ypa, 4 td, 0 fum
    A Morris – 111 att, 428 yds, 3.9 ypa, 2 td, 2 fum
    R Penny – 85 att, 419 yds, 4.9 ypa, 2 td, 0 fum
    C Anderson – 43 att, 299 yds, 7.0 ypa, 2 td, 0 fum
    C Edmonds – 60 att, 208 yds, 3.5 ypa, 2 td, 1 fum

    NFCW Receivers (Ranked by Receiving Yards)
    G Kittle – 88 rec, 136 tar, 1,377 yds, 5 td
    R Woods – 86 rec, 130 tar, 1,219 yds, 6 td
    B Cooks – 80 rec, 117 tar, 1,204 yds, 5 td
    T Lockett – 57 rec, 70 tar, 965 yds, 10 td
    L Fitzgerald – 69 rec, 112 tar, 734 yds, 6 td
    D Baldwin – 50 rec, 73 tar, 618 yds, 5 td
    C Kirk – 43 rec, 68 tar, 590 yds, 3 td
    K Bourne – 42 rec, 66 tar, 487 yds, 4 td

    What’s Changed?
    Sweet Fancy Mustard, that is a lot of Knowledge.

    As we take one last glance at the magnificent 2018 Knowledge Tables, the first thing that jumps out at us is the incompetent Arizona Cardinals, whose pitiful Offense failed to crack the Top-25 in ANY BKOB Report category! They nearly ran the Table with Red Highlighting, which would have been hilarious, but unfortunately they can’t even do that right!

    The Arizona Defense was good in a few categories, but so what?? The team had a -200 Point Differential, to match their -200 Games below .500 Record as a Franchise, their -100 ypg Yardage Differential, and the fact that they fielded BOTH of the NFCW’s Lowest Rated QBs this year. They couldn’t even win in Seattle, and they are unworthy of Mike! Even with the #1 Pick, Head Coaching candidates will likely gravitate towards franchises that are less doomed.

    Elsewhere in the Division, the 49ers made that crucial late-season leap from “hopeless laughingstock” to “pesky irritant of borderline playoff-teams”. This is the 2nd year in a row they’ve gotten over that same hump, and their fans couldn’t be happier. Nobody rebounds from a season-crippling losing streak just in time to win a handful of meaningless games quite like Kyle Shanahan. He’s, like, the Mariners of NFL Head Coaches.

    Shanahan is blaming it all on injuries for the 2nd year in a row, and isn’t making any changes to his coaching staff. He’s 10-22 as Head Coach of the 49ers. But hey, at least the team had some fun this year! Check out the new Banners hanging up at Levi’s Stadium!

    How nice for them. Notice how they opted for extra-large Banners, to help cover up the empty seats.

    In terms of YARDS Per Game, the 49ers actually had a better Offense AND Defense than the Seattle Seahawks. And yet we see a significant disparity in those bothersome POINTS Per Game. Obviously Seattle is benefiting tremendously from their impeccable Turnover Differential – a category in which the Playoff-Bound Seahawks rank 1st in the League, and the 4-12 49ers rank dead-last. For some perspective: the Niners had 7 takeaways all season. The next worst team was Detroit with 14.

    Hmm.. you know who used to be good at creating Turnovers? Richard Sherman. The Niners could really use somebody like that.

    I find it amusing that, instead of getting revenge on Richard Sherman for destroying their franchise, the 49ers instead chose to pay him millions of dollars to produce exactly 0 interceptions, and to serve as a “mentor” for his under-performing teammates who will probably be out of the league in a few years.

    My Analysis
    The So-Called Rams backed into a first-round bye, after a wasteful and inefficient season. They wasted energy in a fruitless pursuit of home-field advantage throughout the playoffs (despite the fact that LA offers no home-field advantage at all) and they wasted incalculable amounts of money and draft capital to acquire a Top-20 Defensive Unit. For even more perspective: the Seahawks’ Defense LOST 6 Pro Bowlers to injuries and free agency and STILL finished ahead of the Rams’ Defense in 5 out of 7 BKOB Report Categories!! Way to go, Rams. You all act like you’ve never bought a Championship before.

    The Rams coaches and players will likely spend their bye week trembling in fear, knowing that they’ve already lost to 3 teams in the NFC Playoffs (NO, CHI, PHI) and Seattle gave them all they could handle TWICE. Basically any team they face will be capable of beating them and ending their pernicious assault on Reality! The Rams suck!!

    But of course, the most remarkable story of the 2018 Season is the Super-Heroic Seattle Seahawks, also known as the SEAvengers. After “losing their way” in 2017 and plunging to the depths of 9-7, the Seahawks were somehow able to complete one of the fastest “rebuilds” in BKOB Report History. And now -with the #1 Ranked Rushing Attack, #1 Turnover Differential, and the Highest Rated Passer in the NFCW- they now seem to be a team tailor-made for a deep run in these wide-open NFC Playoffs.

    Perhaps most importantly for the long-term health of the Seahawks Franchise, however, is the fact that Pete Carroll sent a message to ALL of his players (past, present AND future) that nobody is bigger or more important than a sustained, consistent system that is a proven winner at all levels. So don’t bother flipping off the sidelines, or crying to Sports Illustrated, or any of that kind of embarrassing stuff, unless you want to end up being a huge loser like Richard Sherman.

    Yes, through injuries, free agency, contract disputes, roster turnover, etc. Pete Carroll has managed to win forever, using a roster of young players from underrated draft classes (Britt, Lockett, Reed, Carson, Clark), veterans from an underrated Free Agency class (Fluker, Sweezy, Dickson, Mingo) and Russell Carrington Wilson, whose steely, playoff-hardened gaze and sinewy muscles exhibit infinite proofs of tenacity and heroic strength of purpose. It’s enough to make an unbiased Sports Journalist (such as myself) weep tears of joy.

    And now, how about your feedback? MayNERD, I thank you for reading. And as I know you are a man of your word, I will await your Excerpt with baited Boner. Award.

    Thank you, and always remember: Kill… Danny… O’neil…………………..



    A Golden Boner Award Winning Journalist, known for his perseverance and bravery. An inspiration to us all.

    All stories by: BKOB

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