Have a Nice Life, Keal : Tigre Leaves SKA

    486 422 chriskeal

    We didn’t understand what we did to you.

    We didn’t know what was said or how anyone acted. We didn’t know what moment it was that pushed you over the edge. But you ghosted us. You walked away from our friendship and left us without answers.

    It wasn’t a subtle ghosting, but rather an all-at-once maneuver. Your mother told us to think harder about why you might be upset with us. Your boss told us to stop worrying about you entirely and to move on from our friendship.

    Many of us laid awake every night for a month trying to figure out what they could say to mend our friendship, how to apologize for something we didn’t understand.

    Eventually I decided not to intervene and accepted that you ghosted us. If you wanted to reconcile our friendship, you would have done so, I’m sure.

    But that wasn’t good enough for some of us. The betrayal of being ghosted left some of our members irrational. They went on to stalk you. Found your work. Found your boss. Harassed them to no end to find answers.

    Someone told me it was something I said to you. Someone told me it was something I didn’t say to you. Someone told me it was an announcement I had made on Facebook. That it was all my fault. But i say nay. Because i know why it wasn’t any of that. I know exactly why because I once ghosted a friend too….

    After college, I walked away from my then-best friend of 7 years without blinking an eye. I blocked him on social media, deleted his phone number, deleted his email address from my contacts. All of it. I couldn’t see her or speak to him; I didn’t want the memories. When people asked me about him, I just said “we grew apart.”

    The truth is, the reason why I ghosted him had nothing to do with him at all, but everything to do with what I was going through in my life at that moment.

    My senior year of college, my mom died from complications of a long-term illness, coincidentally, the same month my best friend had moved out of our apartment and in with his then-girlfriend.

    Back then I felt abandoned and betrayed. I was alone and scared and hurting. I blamed him for not being there. I blamed him for not being sensitive enough. I blamed him for words he said to me that he meant with compassion but that I perceived as criticism.

    It’s only of late that I’ve come to realize he never actually did anything to hurt me. He was there when I asked him to be. He checked in with me. He talked with me in detail about things when I needed it. He helped me with homework. We still shared in course projects in college.

    He never left me. (Italicize this keal)

    The problem wasn’t him. It was me and my perception of the situation. I was heartbroken over the loss of my mother and I projected all of that onto our friendship, unfairly. Our friendship never stood a chance, actually, because I wasn’t capable of being a good friend to him at that time.

    I walked away from a situation that was difficult for me. I ghosted him because I wasn’t strong enough. Instead of communicating my feelings openly and honestly, it was easier for me to just fade away like the friendship never existed, like he didn’t know my biggest fears and my deepest secrets.

    I ghosted him because of me. (Italicize again)

    And I dont think anyone here knew how much it hurt either. Until you ghosted them. SO Tigre i know you didn’t ghost us because of us or me. You ghosted us because of YOU.

    The week before you ghosted us, i remember being on here late it was just you and I, and you uttered your deepest fear to me while chatting in your living room. You were going through a painful time in your life that only you could understand. No matter what I did or didn’t say, I could see that your relationship with SKA was doomed because you had to grieve. You knew your deepest fear was becoming a reality and every day w were a constant reminder to you of that pain.

    Now out of respect I wont divulge all of the details but you had to bury our friendship just like you had to bury your feelings to get through it.

    So Tigre, not only do I not blame you, I understand. I would have ghosted us too. And I love you as much now as I did before you walked away. Which is not a lot. I actually think you are kind of a tool. Just know that others here still love you and that’s not quite worth my love but isn’t that something?

    Bye Hot Rod Tigre.

    AUTHOR

    chriskeal

    All stories by: chriskeal