The draft is next week. We’ve all seen plenty of mock drafts at this point, all of which will be wrong to some degree. And despite the fact that a couple of smartasses with bear and horned-horse avatars will pretend to know what will happen, even people who are paid 6 figures to produce mock drafts are wrong 80% of the time.
As an aside, bears and unicorns are chief symbols of the gay and cosplay communities respectively, not that I think those guys are gay cosplayers, just pointing that out.
Anyway, with the draft now just a week away, instead of the original 2.0 mock for the SAINT LOUIS rams, (and the NFCW alone) that I posted or was planning, let’s introduce the Highlight Mock. In the Highlight Mock, we will show only certain picks in certain rounds for certain teams. And guaranteed, we will be just as accurate as any mock from an “expert” or amateur from
Here’s a breakdown of highlighted selections:
Round 1, Pick 1: Tampa Bay Bucs
Jameis Winston: QB/Malcontent, Florida State
Winston checks all the boxes. Pro Style offense, ability to rally his team. Whether it’s a 4th qtr comeback against Louiseville or a 2am group cumshot against Louise Willis. Jameis is your guy. As an added bonus, his new coach is named Lovie.
Round 1, Pick 4 (trade): SAINT LOUIS RAMS
Marcus Mariotta: QB/Ethnic Tebow, Oregon
Stan Kroenke has been playing a 2 year shell game with the NFL, St Louis, Los Angeles, LoyalRam, K1Joyce, D.HitlerC., and Chuck the Horned Horse. On draft day, he shows his hand by giving his embroiled home state the hope and change to rally around and get the stadium he wanted all along approved by all.
Round 1, Pick 12: Cleveland Browns
Randy Gregory: OLB/Weedman/Wingman, Nebraska
The Browns are all in on users. In 2016, Josh Gordon will be off suspension, Johnny Football will have had another to learn on the bench. Neither will be cured. Somebody has to buy the drugs and alcohol. And as an added bonus, this kid can rush the passer and make the buys via text from Ray Farmer while on a midround rookie contract. No-brainer pick.
Round 1, Pick 15: San Francisco 49ers
Dorial Green-Beckham: WR, Missouri (NFL’s commissioner exempt list)
Let’s face it, the 9ers are fucked. They lost more key pieces this offseason than Comedy Central’s late night news lineup. They have a need at WR, Aldon needs a smoke buddy from his old dorm, and Kaep needs as big a target as possible for his errant passes. Wins all around with this pick, despite the fact that DGB will enter the league on the exempt list simply for not being able to remain eligible at the same schools that were able to keep Aldon Smith and Sigma Alpha Epsilon on the field.
Round 3, Pick 86: Arizona Cardinals
Mike Brummett: ILB/SEAL, University of Phoenix
The Cardinals have uncertainty at ILB with the unknown status of Daryl Washington, the probable retirement of Larry Foote, and the injury history(/never playing the position) of Sean Weatherspoon. While possibly a reach in the 3rd round, the selection of the 5’6” 250 lb Brummett also checks a couple of emotional boxes as a hometown hero and the first military Cardinal since Pat Tillman (too soon?)
Round 5, Pick 167: Seattle Seahawks
Frankie Grizzle-Malgrat: Ballboy/Ginger Enforcer, Florida State
After a series of tradedowns, this will be the first of only two 2015 picks for flabby wrestling enthusiast/GM John Schneider and transsexual daytime talk show host Pete Degeneres. FGM will not be seen on many draft boards, but he has a specific role in protecting the team’s heavy investment in fellow ginger Jimmy “Tissue-Booty” Graham. One look at the tape says the Hawks may have found another late round gem….
Round 6, Pick 210 (trade): San Francisco 49ers
Chris Borland: Accounting Major, DeVry
Much like Sc0tti, Jed York and Trent Baalke are having a hard time saying goodbye to the White Mike Singletary, so they waste yet another draft pick. Borland will never suit up for them, but unlike Lawrence Okoye and Marcus Lattimore, he won’t require a spot in training camp.
Round 6, Pick 218 (trade): Arizona Cardinals
Bo Wallace, QB, Ole Miss
Wallace is a perfect heir apparent to Carson Palmer in Arizona. Great against bad teams, terrible against good teams, prone to the long ball, interceptions and inaccuracy. But what most likely attracted him to Coach Fat Billy Corgan is a series of lower body injuries late in his career at Ole Miss that would open the door for a terrible backup to potentially start a playoff game in his absence.
Round 7, Pick 223 (trade): Seattle Seahawks
Cameron Clear, OT, Texas A&M
Undersized at 6’5” 277 lb, Clear is one of the main reasons Johnny Football literally scrambled for his life almost immediately after every snap of his short collegiate career. Clear projects as a Day 1 starter on the Seahawks OLine.
Round 7, Pick 227: SAINT LOUIS RAMS
Edward “Chip” Sarafin, OL, Arizona State
The 6’6” 320 lb lineman has only been a backup in college so he is a longshot for
the NFL. However, the 7th round is a place for longshots, plus he went to Chris
Keal University, which obviously put him on the map with several scouts. But what really attracted him to the Rams here…he’s gay!
Now back to the random comments and butt gifs.
And fuck you, Inglewood.
