It’s true what they say: Home is a place your feet may leave, but your heart will always be. Life takes us to unexpected places, but it is love that brings us home. Home is, after all, the starting place of our hopes and dreams – a place where love resides, memories are made, friends always belong and laughter never ends. It is the final destination of all our greatest journeys.
There really is no place like home. Especially if your home happens to be SpikedKoolAid.com. I love this great website. That is why I googled all of those inspirational quotes about “home.” Aren’t they nice?
Sure, your home may not be perfect. But neither are you. So shut up. For me the connection is personal: My ancestors came to this great website as refugees from ESPN’s fascist Facebook policies, and I’m not going to abandon this place now!! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and the plight of the Knowledge Seekers is far more important than any of our trivial personal rivalries.
That’s why I’ve decided to accept Keal’s numerous apologies, and resume my duties as SKA’s Chief Article-Writer Guy, Golden Boner Award Winning Knowledge Aficionado, Licensed Logician and Expert Wisdomologist.
This is obviously great news – not just for the Knowledge Seekers, but for humanity in general. This year I will do everything I can to make The Real BKOB Report better than it’s ever been, if that’s even possible. But before I do that, I need to get my feet wet again.
To overcome this writer’s block, I’ve decided to delve into a journalistic realm that is completely foreign to me. For years the BKOB Report has been fixated on the Big Picture – not overreacting to one game or one hot-streak or one cold-streak, but rather focusing on how those streaks average out over the course of an entire season. It makes for a fun statistical exorcise (and a good predictor of future outcomes, like when I accurately predicted that the fraudulent Arizona Cardinals would flame out in grand fashion in the playoffs last year) but it lacks emphasis on the drama and excitement that makes the game of football so unique – the emotion and the violence that satisfies our guttural, barbaric urges and keeps us begging for more.
So for my warm-up article, I have decided to take a more precise approach and write the greatest Game Recap of all time. And what better way to do it than by recapping the best, greatest, most exciting, most wonderful game of all time? A game that defined an era. A game that smashed viewership records around the globe and inspired a generation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…
The Real BKOB Report Special Edition: Super Bowl XLVIII Recap
Rundown: Super Bowl 48 features a near-mythical match up between an Unstoppable Force and an Immovable Object.
In 2013 the Denver Broncos Offense gained more yards and scored more points than any team ever, by quite a wide margin. Seriously, think of all the greatest offenses you’ve seen over the years – the 2007 Patriots. the Greatest Show on Turf, the Dan Marino Dolphins – this one was way, way better than all of them by a staggering amount.
Peyton Manning shattered every single-season passing record worth shattering on his way to claiming his 5th NFL MVP Award – which is also a record. And not that they NEEDED a run game – but Knowshon Moreno was able to tack on over a thousand yards and 10 Rushing Touchdowns, making them a well-balanced offense as well.
The Broncos are three point favorites to win this game. We’ll just see about that.
On the other side of the field, the 2013 Seahawks Defense finished the season ranked 1st in Yards Allowed, Points Allowed and had the most Takeaways. They were the first team since the 1985 Bears to lead the League in all three categories. In addition to that, they finished 1st in Passing Yards Allowed, Passer Rating Allowed, Interceptions, Passing Yards Per Attempt, Passing Yards Per Completion, Passing First Downs Allowed, and they allowed the fewest Rushing TDs.
In addition to all of THAT, they allowed the 2nd fewest Passing TDs, the 3rd fewest Total First Downs, 3rd fewest Completions, had the 3rd most INT Return Yards and the 5th most Forced Fumbles. Basically, they were incredible all year long.
Oh no! I’m getting bogged down in stats again!! Must… resist… numerical statements of facts……….. Still, those are some fabulously impressive figures. Go ahead, read them again. I’ll wait.
Pre-Game: The Pre-Game Show begins with the presentation of the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award. This year the Award goes to Charles Tillman of the Chicago Bears for his relief efforts with Niner Fans suffering from the devastating effects of Richard Sherman’s tip. Millions of Niner Fans watched helplessly as their window of opportunity was slammed shut for good, in the last meaningful game their team will ever play.
After the singing of anthems, and a killer video intro by Kurt Russell, the teams have taken the field. “Champ” Bailey provides the pre-game prep talk for the Broncos, and he delivers it with all of the passion and gusto of a Jr High School substitute teacher. Meanwhile, on the Seahawks sideline, Earl Thomas leads the team in what can only be described as a Demonic Seance. While Earl recites the unholy incantation, Kam Chancellor summons the spirits of Spartan War Gods and adds their power to his own. He offers Wes Welker’s soul as a sacrifice for the exchange.
Joe Namath comes out in a woman’s coat and flips a coin. Everyone laughs, except for Peyton because he’s too terrified to laugh about anything. He has no answers for the onslaught of punishment and humiliation that he is about to endure. The game hasn’t even started yet, and he’s already scarred for life.
First Quarter: This game started out EXACTLY how I expected it would. Peyton Manning – so terrified for his life and well-being – refuses to handle the opening snap. This is actually a sound strategy on his part. It is much easier to just GIVE the Seahawks points than it is to oppose them in any way. Surrender now, or you risk making them angry.
The Seahawks Offense, led by Hall of Fame Quarterback Russell Carrington Wilson, moves the ball with frightening efficiency. It is clear that the Broncos Defense is not at all prepared for the multi-faceted attack that awaits them. On the 2nd play from scrimmage, Percy Harvin breaks free on a hand-off and runs 30 yards, laying waste to whatever confidence Denver’s Defense may have had going into the game. They will be on their heels for the remainder of the evening.
Still, the Seahawks drive ends in the Redzone, after a bad spot denies them a chance at First and Goal. This is one of several times where the referees will try to help the Broncos remain competitive. Seattle tacks on a pair of field goals and reach the end of the quarter with an 8-0 lead. But I predict that they’re going to need more than 8 points to win this game. It’s going to take at least 9 points.
A few notes from the First Quarer:
-After seeing what Kam Chancellor did to Demaryius Thomas, Broncos receivers are now begging Peyton not to throw them the ball. Peyton adjusts by simply throwing the ball directly to Kam Chancellor.
-The Denver Defense is allowing Russell Wilson to do Russell Wilson-stuff. As soon as I saw him roll out of the pocket and make an easy 3rd down conversion, I knew Seattle was going to win. Denver has never encountered a dual threat machine like this in their lives, and they’re afraid.
– It’s sad, what Doug Baldwin did to “Champ” Bailey.
Second Quarter: After being stifled in the First Quarter, Marshawn Lynch keeps churning his mighty legs all the way into the Denver endzone. Some of our readers might be too young to remember Marshawn. How best to describe this astonishing, remarkable being? This unrelenting force, who caused the Earth to tremble when he ran? This elegant wild man? This iron-willed badass with abilities far beyond those of mortal men? How can I encapsulate – in one paragraph – the perfect blend of insane strength, superhuman endurance, cat-like agility and ferocious effort?! The very vision of robust masculinity. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who -when other NFL Players got together- they pointed at him and said “THAT MAN is the BEAST!!!” I guess the best compliment I could give him would be to call him the “Thomas Rawls” of his era.
More importantly, his Touchdown puts Seattle well past the 9-point threshold I mentioned earlier. According to my prediction, it is now mathematically impossible for the Denver Broncos to win this game. John Elway should give Schneider a call and congratulate him, give a little speech to his supporters, and concede the race.
Just while I was typing all of that, the Broncos finally got the chains moving a little bit. But then Peyton Manning threw the ball to Malcolm Smith and watched him return it 60 yards for a Touchdown. That’s what you get for trying to throw the ball more than four yards down the field, Peyton. Maybe if you were an accurate deep ball passer, like Russell Wilson…
Between this Touchdown and the Safety in the First Quarter, the Seattle DEFENSE has now scored more points by themselves than the Broncos #1 All-Time OFFENSE will all night. I guess the 2013 Seahawks Defense is the Unstoppable Force AND the Immovable Object!!
The Seahawks go into half-time with a 22-0 lead. And thanks to their brilliant Opening Coin Toss strategy, they get the ball in the second half. I like their chances in this one!!
A few notes from the Second Quarter:
– Chris Clemons and Cliff Avril could have easily been named Co-MVPs of this game. They heavily influenced both of Peyton’s interceptions in the first half, as well as tipping a pass on a failed Denver 4th Down attempt. Clemons would later get a strip/sack fumble in the Fourth Quarter.
– After all the talk about the cold New Jersey weather, it ended up being 49 degrees with no wind at kickoff. A lot of analysts thought that only bad weather could slow down the Denver Offense, but they were afforded no such excuse.
– A fumbled Kick Return by Denver’s Trindon Holliday was falsely and perniciously overturned. Once again the Referees followed Goebbels’ example and stuck to the “Big Lie,” trying to convince viewers that up was down, wrong was right, and that somehow Trindon Holliday recovered that ball and not Steven Hauschka. This is the 2nd time they try to keep the Broncos from embarrassing themselves.
Halftime Show: I’m gunna call it, this is the best Super Bowl Halftime show I’ve ever seen. And it’s not just the beer talking. Seriously. This little Russell Wilson-looking dude is putting on a show, and the Chili Peppers brought it too. I don’t care that I later found out that they weren’t actually playing their instruments during this performance – they’re Living Legends in my book!
But yeah, what was I saying? Oh yeah, best Halftime show ever. I know everyone is partial to Prince and Michael Jackson, old legends who have been romanticized in death, but this show is better than the shows those dead guys put on. Period. Get over it people. Stop being slaves to your sentimentality and give this new generation the credit they deserve. They’re a hell of a lot smarter than we were!! Their eyes are open in ways that we still struggle to understand and they’re going to lead our beautiful human race into a glorious future – once we let them. They have a lot they can teach us. Stop being afraid. Where’s my drink?
Third Quarter: Percy Harvin just happened. I couldn’t believe my eyes. In one instant I went from thinking “it can’t be this easy. No way. The Broncos are too good” to thinking “I can’t believe it was that easy, we’re going to win the Super Bowl.” This was the moment where my brother and I truly leapt up from our seats and jumped for joy like we were kids again. There are so few opportunities in our lives where we get to celebrate so obscenely and courageously. Our long years of suffering were about to end.
After so many years of Bo Jackson, and RIck Mirer, and Vinny Testaverde’s helmet, and “We want the ball and we’re gunna score,” and Bill Leavy, and Brett Favre snowball fights, and 0:31 in Atlanta… Not to mention the Mariners and Sonics… We Seattle Sports fans had often wondered if we would EVER see one of our teams achieve greatness at the highest level, and here the Seahawks were doing it in monumental, historic fashion – before the largest television audience ever, and in the presence of such magnates as Hugh Jackman, Kevin Costner, Paul McCartney, John Travolta, David Beckham and Michael Douglas. Wow.
It was like watching Seahawk Porn – all of the outlandish, magnificent things your mind could conjure up with none of the unnecessary complications like “plot” or “suspense.” Just one improbable highlight after another until you almost become numb to the bloodthirsty orgy of death unfolding before you.
A few notes from the Third Quarter:
– Once Peyton Manning finally worked up the courage to throw towards Richard Sherman (who was playing on a tweaked ankle), the ball clearly should have been intercepted. The Referees refused to call Offensive Pass Interference on Demaryius Thomas. This is the third time the Referees blatantly interfered in the game on behalf of the Broncos. Without these obvious perversions to the course of Justice, the Seahawks would have won this game 61-0
– It seems that John Fox truly believed that stopping Marshawn Lynch would win them the game. It looks like that’s all they prepared for. While they did a good job bottling him up, they had no answers for Russell Wilson or Percy Harvin – and “Champ” Bailey was repeatedly violated by Champ Baldwin.
– After getting pushed around for three quarters, Demaryius Thomas finally decided to fight back. Following a 23-yard reception -the longest play of the day for Denver’s Offense- Demaryius delivers a stiff-arm to Byron Maxwell near the sidelines. Byron responds by punching the ball out of Demaryius’ other hand, which magically bounces right into the omnipresent grasp of Seattle’s Post-Season Superhero, Malcolm Smith.
– Jermain Kearse performed two different 360’s on his way into the endzone. Bereft of all dignity and self-worth, the Denver Defense is forced to drink from the Cup of Defeat. The levee has broken. It’s relentless, ruthless and there is no mercy.
– On the LAST PLAY OF THE THIRD QUARTER, the Broncos’ Record Shattering Offense finally scores a Touchdown. They tack on a 2-point conversion, giving them 8 total points for the game. A final score that shows how desperate they truly were. By the time they finally scored, they had NO CHOICE but to go for 2-points because this game was never competitive. That final score, 8 points, sends a message directly to the history books about how dominant the Seahawks were, and it’s really the 2nd best possible outcome other than a shutout.
Fourth Quarter: By now I’m in a coma of beer and nachos and joy. I have only a vague understanding of my surroundings. As I struggle to regain equilibrium, Russell Wilson leads a magnificent 6 play drive in which he goes 5/5 for 58 yards and a TD. This drive sums up his entire afternoon: Flawless.
This game could have been a lot closer if Russell Wilson were not up to the task. If he had played like Peyton Manning did (or like Cam Newton will, years later) the Seahawks might have lost this game. Denver’s defense WAS able to stop Marshawn Lynch for most of the game, putting a lot of pressure on Russell and the passing attack. He was, after all, a 3rd round pick who was “too short” to play Quarterback, and only a second-year Pro. He responded by completing 72% of his passes, with two Touchdowns and no Turnovers, with a Passer Rating of 123.1, all while completing passes to 8 different Receivers.
Richard Sherman eventually leaves the game after aggravating his existing ankle injury. But it doesn’t matter. The Broncos have completely given up. Super Bowl losers get a $51,000 bonus – enough for each of them to plan a vacation around, sure… But what price can you place on a man’s dignity? On the immortal part of himself – his reputation? These poor Broncos players (who, just a few hours ago, believed they could make history) now stand exposed as effeminate weaklings incapable of any meaningful accomplishment. It is the Seahawks who have made history. It is the Seahawks who have become Legendary.
A few notes from the Fourth Quarter:
– It is around this time that Wes Welker approaches Peyton Manning on the sideline and hilariously asks him, “What was the score of that AFC Championship Games? Bills vs Oilers?” Peyton stares at him with a vacuous expression that seems to say “For the love of God, Wes, will you please STFU? Those aren’t the Oilers out there! They are the most dominant force ever assembled on a football field!! Don’t you understand?! The World has changed forever!! You and I will be remembered as relics of the Pre-Seahawk Era.”
– As the final seconds ticked away, Peyton Manning made a b-line through the trenches, past the Linebackers and right towards Earl Thomas so he could be the first to pay tribute to the Genghis Khan of the NFL – The merciless conqueror and warrior-poet with an eye toward history. Peyton recognizes that Earl is the once-in-a-lifetime talent that makes a Defense like this possible. He is our Mean Joe Greene.
Post-Game: At this point, my fellow Seahawk Fans and I are literally floating through the ether of the Universe, experiencing every positive emotion all at once and realizing that our wildest dreams can come true, and anything is possible.
Silent Bob breaks into Safeco Field and hits a Home Run, while DGDub sets fire to an abortion clinic. Noshoes orders a replica Seahawks Super Bowl Ring so he can show it off to all the guys at the bath-house. Hawaiian Honky planks on all of the Niner fans, and their mothers. Munkey smokes some PCP and robs a convenience store while ReTodd chugs a fifth of vodka in the getaway car.
BFS and Zippy fight each other “American Gladiators” style, only they use gigantic blunts as weapons. OSS does donuts in his Rascal Scooter in MayNERD’s front lawn, and MTGriz fires up the Crock-pot. TooShort morphs into Chief Long As a Horse and uses his gargantuan penis to pole vault over the Space Needle. The MrHawk laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with Charlie the Unicorn.
Tribe and Lisa secretly deck themselves out in Hawks gear and embrace the jubilation and glory of 12th-Manliness, but they’ll deny it later. KZRider uses his Mullet Powers to karate chop through a brick wall, and SFC skips leg day. It is a chaotic celebration for the ages, and I’m glad I can still remember most of it.
Conclusion: My goodness. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I do believe I just wrote the greatest Game Recap of all time. Not bad, considering it’s the first one I’ve ever done. I’m, like, the Mozart of Knowledge.
And now, how about your feedback? Keal has agreed to allow Comments on this article, but only if you keep your conversation relevant to the content of the article and avoid using “dirty” language. “Dirty” languages include Mexican, Arabic and Vietnamese.