The Real BKOB Report: Week 15 Edition

    835 425 BKOB


    Oh, my. Sometimes knowledge can be a painful thing.

    “If the Niners don’t fire someone – I REFUSE TO WATCH ANOTHER NINER GAME THIS YEAR” -SacSig

    “I can’t defend Harbaugh anymore man… after all, offense goes through him.” -CrimsonNinerEmpire

    “*sigh* Back to mediocrity again. RIP 2011-2014 49ers” -Rae

    “Kaep has published more nude pics than great games.” -Fred P. Soft

    “Yep, someone is gunna get shanked” -rstoopes

    “I give up.” -Ras

    Let it all out! Let it out!!! Trust me, I can feel your pain.

    It may surprise some of you, but I myself am actually a Seahawks fan. Yes, its true. And as such, my life has been filled with many disappointments. Growing up I had a toy football that I thought was signed by Rick Mirer. It wasn’t. My father told me that Steve Largent was the greatest receiver of all time. He lied. Matt Hasselbeck got the ball and we were gunna score! We didn’t. And the list goes on and on.

    But specifically I remember the year 2008. The crappiest year of all time. The SuperSonics finished 20-62 (their worst season ever) and then they left town for good. The once-proud Washington Huskies football team went 0-12, the first team in Pac-10 conference HISTORY to do so. The Mariners became the first $100 Million team to lose 100 games. And of course, it was the end of the Mike Holmgren Era. The greatest head coach in franchise history was leaving, and he had left the cabinets bare. Our playoff streak was snapped and our Championship window -the only one I had ever known- had been so suddenly and violently slammed shut. I wondered if my team would ever make it back to the Superbowl.

    And now the San Francisco 49ers find themselves standing at that same precipice, with the Seattle Seahawks poised to deliver the fatal shove. The Hawks  have a chance to extinguish any sense of dignity for this 49er squad. A ten win season, even without a playoff bid, would be too respectable and the Seahawks will not allow it! What a fitting end to a brief and bitter rivalry.

    But I’m getting carried away. You folks are here for the STATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Passers (ranked by Passer Rating)
    R Wilson – 236/372 (63.4%) 2,729yd 7.34ypa 17td 5int 95.2prtg
    S Hill – 75/121 (62.0%) 895yds 7.40ypa 6td 3int 90.8prtg
    C Kaepernick – 248/409 (60.6%) 2,910 7.12ypa 16td 10int 85.1prtg
    D Stanton – 120/220 (54.5%) 1,602 7.28ypa 7td 5int 79.0prtg

    Rushers (ranked by Yards per Attempt)
    R Wilson – 101att 727yds 7.2ypa 5td 4fum
    C Kaepernick – 81att 379yds 4.7ypa 0td 5fum
    M Lynch – 235att 1,042yds 4.4ypa 9td 1fum
    T Mason – 142att 628yds 4.4ypa 3td 1fum
    F Gore – 193att 775yds 4.0ypa 2td 2fum
    A Ellington – 201att 660yds 3.3ypa 3td 2fum

    What’s Changed?
    In terms of points AND yardage, the Seahawks Defense is Top 3 in every major category. See all that yellow? I think that’s kinda neat.

    The Hawks’ Passing Defense is particularly impressive, since the new rules were supposed to expose our players  and ruin our season. Glad that didn’t happen. Also, the takeaways are starting to pile up and Richard Sherman hasn’t allowed a catch since November 16th.

    In other news, Russell Wilson is still the top ranked passer in the division by a mile, and the top ranked rusher by a mile. And Marshawn Lynch leads the NFL with nine rushing touchdowns. Man, looking at all of this knowledge, it’s really hard not to staturbate.

    Also, Shaun Hill > Kaepernick.

    My Analysis:
    Looking at the statistics, I cant help but notice how average the Cardinals are. Are we sure they won all those games? Either way, they seem like low hanging fruit for a hungry Rams squad – A ragtag group of ruffians looking to spoil someone’s season! We know that Jeff Fisher is a bloodthirsty leech of a man – willing to lie and and deceive, and stab you in the back for the sake of eeking our another meaningless victory. This type of game should be right up his alley! Put money on it! But don’t blame me if you lose.

    And now, how about your feedback? I think this was my most unbiased article ever, and that’s saying something! I hope the voters notice this when they decide this year’s Golden Boner Award winner…




    A Golden Boner Award Winning Journalist, known for his perseverance and bravery. An inspiration to us all.

    All stories by: BKOB

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