By: PenguinFarmer
In my short time on this ostensibly warming planet, I have never seen such vitriol from feuding political opinions. However, on the day of our great nation’s Independence Day, I think it is best to get political to—paradoxically—unite all of us together against a common foe.
For those who toked too much through 4th grade history glass and for that one belligerent Canadian who probably doesn’t even understand real English, today is the anniversary of our bold and powder-wigged forefathers getting together to adamantly state, in writing, “Fuck off wankers, we got this!” to those tea-sipping knob jockies across the pond.
Dig a little deeper and you will quickly realize that the 4th of July is not just about freedom, fireworks and hot dogs. It’s about amicably banding together to remind an incessant, hamwallet-allergic enemy to fuck off.
Yes, this means Dallas.
Much of us have reason to claim pride for both team and country. New York, Philadelphia and Washington all served as the capital of the United States of America. Think of the Giants and their majestic red, white and blue shining bright off Eli Manning’s counterfeit helmet. Philadelphia dons our national bird on theirs. And argue about the Redskins name as you wish, but what can be more American than exploiting the colored minority so the white guy gets paid? (10 years, full guaranteed please. We like that.)
But what do the Cowboys represent? Steers, queers and a displaced fanbase which resembles the real type of refugees we should be purging from our great nation.
Don’t fall for the “America’s Team” propaganda. Citing real internet news, nonpartisan and nonPFF scientists reveal this irrevocable truth: each time the term “America’s Team” is muttered, mother nature kills a puppy. And we’re not talking about a noble death or even a abrupt coup de grace between the eyes. We’re talking about a poor little baby Labrador trapped in the middle of a cheap North Carolina /Thai fusion restaurant.
So for today, let us recognize these official July 4th power rankings:
1.America. New York. Philadelphia. Washington.
…
546456. North Korea
546457. Canada
546458. Cowboys
Probably too high on the Cowboys. And Canada.
To all my fellow brothers, sisters and gender ambiguous siblings, give those enemies of the state the good ol’ JPP middle finger.
Cowboys sux!
