The Real BKOB Report: Special “WTF?!” Edition!

January 20th, 2015:

The days continue to pass. Spring became summer. Fall dimmed into the winter’s cold light. Society continued to erode under the weight of Knowledgelessness. Three weeks had elapsed since there had even been a blip of information on the whereabouts of the mythical prophet.

Occasionally a story would be heard – A rumor from an unreliable source. Inevitably it would be discounted as drunken hearsay, much like Area 51 or MFA’s military career (until they were eventually proven to be true, of course.)

One by one the Blogs began to collapse, again. Rogue Moderators and Knowledge Haters were running out of flocks to fleece. Decency and Logic had faded into irrelevance. Anarchy had started to peak its head up.

Then, when all seemed to be lost, a small glimmer of light appeared in the distance. Could it be? Back from the great beyond?

It’s the return of The Real BKOB Report…

*The lights fade out. The entire Blog begins to rumble with anticipation. Spectators unsheathe their cell phone cameras, bathing the crowd in a dim blue glow. Heavy metal music blasts over the arena speakers as pyrotechnics fill the area with explosive color and sounds, signifying that the big moment had arrived. *

*The crowd is whipped into an hysterical frenzy. The men in the audience repeatedly punch themselves in the face, out of sheer joy, while the women prepare their diaphragms. *

*The swirling spotlights come to rest on the rafters, high above the capacity crowd. And it is there that we see him. Ten-time Golden Boner Award winning author. The one and only… BKOB!!*

*The roar from the crowd is so enormous that it shatters Arrowhead Stadium’s phony record, resulting in Beast Quakes that are felt across the entire NFCW. BKOB, decked out in majestic battle armor, pumps his fists and rocks out with all the loyal Knowledge Seekers in the house. *

*Finally, he clips his harnass to a Zip-line and swings from the rafters, all the way down to the arena floor and into the crowd below (ala Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 12.) He greets his throngs of fans with high fives and bro hugs. He loves his throngs. They adore and worship him. *

*Finally he hops over the guardrail and slides under the ropes, into the ring. He is quickly handed a microphone. The music fades out but the crowd continues to chant “B-K! B-K! B-K!” for several minutes. Eventually they quiet down long enough for BKOB to begin.*

Finally… BKOB… HAS COME BACK TO SPIKEDKOOLAID!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what that means. That means it’s Tuesday, and it’s time to ARM YOURSELVES… WITH KNOWLEDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*The crowd pops big time, chanting along with his signature catchphrase. Danny O’neil pisses himself out of fear. *

I have come out of retirement, and that means that something remarkably grandiose and epic has occurred in the world of the NFCW. An astonishing game that seemed to defy every ounce of Knowledge in my body, from the opening drive to the remarkable finish.

I’ll be honest, I had the bulk of this article written at the beginning of the fourth quarter of Sunday’s NFC Championship Game. It was going to be called “The Top 5 Reasons Why the Seahawks Lost the Game and Crushed All of Our Souls”

But why should I let something stupid (like a 12 point comeback in the final three minutes of a Championship game) spoil my perfectly good article? So I wrote the darn thing anyway! Of course, I had to update it a bit to match the unbelievable reality of the weekend’s events. So let’s get it started with…

The Top 5 Reasons The Seahawks ALMOST Lost the Game and Crushed All of Our Souls:

Reason #1 – RUSSELL CARRINGTON WILSON!!! What did I jus–? How could y–? The–? I’m speechless. It was the worst 57 minutes a Quarterback could have possibly played. For a second I thought Charlie Whitehurst had taken over the offense during the biggest game since the Super Bowl. I’d love to blame the porous Offensive Line and our oft-overwhelmed Wide Receivers, but they’ve been that way all year.

Four picks in all, two of them on so-so throws (Kearse did him no favors by slapping the ball into the air like a beach ball), but the other two came from the stupidest passes I’ve ever seen Wilson throw. Triple coverage… to Kearse! Not Dez, or Megatron, or anyboy like that. But Kearse?! And you under throw him by three yards?! According to my charts and tables, that is BOGUS!!!

Reason #2 – Special Teams!! Let’s trade for Percy Harvin. Doug Baldwin is not a good Kick Returner (even though he was an excellent Kick Returner in last year’s NFCCG.) And two crappy punts from Jon Ryan?! Why??

Reason #3 – Packers’ Defense!! HaHa obviously had a career day, forcing thousands of serious broadcasters around the globe to talk about a guy named “HaHa.” And Clay Matthews took away our beloved Broken Plays – which our offense is built around. Early in the game, Russell tried to use his patented Stiff Arm technique. But Matthews was ready, and he swatted it away with Kung Fu speed and made the tackle. That was the first indicator that it was going to be a long night.

Reason #4 – D Line!! Hardly any pass rush to speak of. Aaron Rodgers had to tweak HIS OWN ankle, just to remind everybody about that storyline. Seriously guys, if you’re going to get idiotic penalties, you have to back them up with SACKS!!!

Reason #5 – Kearse!! Yeah I know I said I wasn’t going to blame the receivers, big whoop! Wanna fight about it?! But c’mon! What is this guy’s problem? He needs, like, ten more Lasik surgeries or something.

There you have it, folks. My psychotic babbling re: the worst game this team has played in three and a half years. Now let’s get to the good part!!

The Top 5 Reasons The Seahawks Actually DID Win the Game, and Saved All the Children!!!!!!!

Reason #1 – DE-FENSE!!! DE-FENSE!!! DE-FENSE!!!! The ONLY unit in this game that showed up AS ADVERTISED! These guys are incredible. Just when you think they can’t top their previous performances, they just keep doing it. Even through five Seattle turnovers (and two terrible punts that might as well have been turnovers) they were able to hold the league MVP and the top scoring offense in the NFL to 16 points for most of the game.

When all hope seemed lost -and even through injuries- they kept plugging away like the Legendary Warriors that they are. I can’t say enough about them. They’re by far the #1 reason we’re heading to our 2nd straight Super Bowl.

Reason #2 – “Big Balls” Pete!! This is an old nickname that, sadly, did NOT follow Pete Carroll when he came to Seattle from USC. With your permission, I’d like to re-popularize it. Nothing else could better describe the Stones it takes to have your Punter attempt a touchdown pass on 4th and 10 in a Championship Game. But even mores importantly, he deserves credit for coaching up a pack of young late-round picks and free agents, and turning them into the best and most resilient team in Football. We’re halfway through the 2010’s, and he is definitely the Coach of the Decade, thus far.

Reason #3 – Aaron Rodgers!! I know Green Bay fans won’t want to hear it. It’s easier to scapegoat a backup TE who was only on the field for one play. It’s easier to use Super Hindsight-Vision and blame Mike McCarthy for DARING to go conservative when he was up by 12 against an offense that hadn’t scored all day. Please! Every coach would have done the same thing. 99% of the time it works, and you don’t even think about it. The other 1% of the tine you go against Russell Wilson and he wins in insanely dramatic, “I-need-to-change-my-drawers” fashion.

Nope, the fact is that the League MVP WILTED in the 2nd biggest game of his career. Seattle’s Offense and Special Teams GAVE HIM a 16 point lead, and he still couldn’t close the deal. He continued to run and hide from Richard Sherman, even when Sherman was playing with one arm. The only time he dared to test the best was when he THOUGHT he had a free play, and it got picked off in the endzone. Sherman is obviously in his head, and you can ask Colin Kaepernick what an NFCCG-Meltdown against Seattle can do to your confidence.

Reason #4 – BEAST MODE!!! We’ve gotta keep this guy. There’s no one else in the world like him. He is NOT breaking down, like 29 year old Running backs are supposed to do! Some people are just genetic freaks who are built tougher than everybody else, and Lynch is one of those guys. He gets better and better as he goes, saving his best games for the post season and his best runs for the 4th quarter. Sunday’s game was just another example of his Earth shattering powers.

Reason #5 – RUSSELL CARRINGTON WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, he’s on BOTH lists! As vomit-inducingly bad as he was in the first 55 minutes of the game, that’s how Golden-Boner-Inspiringly good he was in the final 8 minutes of the game. After his final interception, he went 6/7 for 149yds and a TD. He also ran for 20 crucial yards and another TD. He pulled off the craziest 2 point conversion in history. (Knowledge-Haters will call that a lucky play, refusing to admit that Russell Wilson does that kind of stuff every week.) All in the last 3 drives!!

And now, thanks to his sensitive display of humility after the game, the rest of the world loves Russell Wilson, almost as much as I do. Certainly, no SANE person will ever again dare to criticize him online, or attempt to marginalize his accomplishments and his supreme feats of play-making. He is a Living Legend, whose skills are beyond debate, and the #5 Reason why we won the NFC Championship game, and are heading back to THE SUPERBOWL!!!

There you have it folks! Two articles for the price of one! It’s like that movie “Grindhouse” except without the crappy Robert Rodriguez half. Boy, that guy sucks!! People will try to say that Green Bay gave that game away, but that’s just silly talk. The truth is that Seattle had more passing yards, more rushing yards and they scored 4x as many TDs. Seattle made the necessary plays and TOOK that game away, because they are the better team.

And now, how about your feedback? This article is 8x as long as any of my other ones, so you guys should leave 8x as many comments! Let’s break a record!!

Thank you, and always remember: Kill… Danny… O’neil.