Jimmy Graham
Shortly after Seattle traded stuff for Jimmy Graham one of our resident Seahawk fans, Silent Bob, may have voiced some doubt as to how helpful Graham would be to our vaunted offense, or something. I don’t remember. At any rate, something caused me to assure him that I would write an article for SKA detailing Graham’s epic contributions. However, I underestimated the workload required of my daily life, and writing an article for Bob fell off my radar. I lost my way in life, spending my spare time chasing mountains and toddlers. I became a wreck of a human being. I was hardly even posting comments about Jimmy Graham, let alone articles. Then sometime last week, Bob mentioned the article that never happened, and I snapped back into focus. Life’s priorities aligned appropriately, and one torn patella tendon later, I am ready to write about how Jimmy Graham will help Seattle.
First, let’s establish some facts:
• Jimmy Graham is tall
• Jimmy Graham can catch
• Jimmy “Jimmy Who?” Graham is a bitch by Seahawk standards (can’t block, is non-punting ginger)
There are three paths forward for Jimmy’s Seattle career. The first path is that he kind of recovers, and catches some passes this year. In this scenario he catches 15-50 passes for a few hundred yards. His statistics are a little on the mild side because his tallness and catchiness are countered by his gimpyness. This is minimally helpful, because Luke Willson can “catch some passes,” and he can do it without looking like a weird ginger. Besides, Nick Vannett will be the greatest TE in NFL history, so any snaps Jimmy does get will only be taking away from the Vannett/Willson dynamic duo.
The second path forward is that he is IR’d. This is really only helpful in that it will allow some people that have felt too intimidated to troll Seattle for the last few years to step back into the troll game, albeit awkwardly and without confidence. Adu will stop by; give us an update on stuff. Maybe bring some Jeff Driskel gifs with him. Talk about the 49ers new Oregon Duck inspired juggernaut of a defensive line. It’s always good to catch up with Adu. Star Trek sucks.
The third and most prominent way that Jimmy Graham can help Seattle is by recovering enough to see action in a preseason game or two, and then get traded to some retarded team like the Texans or Rams for a 5th round pick. Seattle could then use that 5th round pick to draft a HOFer. A guy like Chancellor or Sherman or something. I would say a guy like Earl Thomas, but those types don’t usually fall to the 5th round. Graham is an All Pro, but probably will not go to the Hall of Fame, so this would be an upgrade. As for the original compensation given up for Jimmy Graham, the Saints are a disaster that really only exist to support Sean Payton’s pill habits, so it’s fair to say nothing came of the player or draftpick that Seattle gave up for Graham anyways. Therefore, Seattle basically got Jimmy Graham for free. By applying the transitive property of SKA, it can be surmised that in this 3rd scenario that I have outlined, the Seattle Seahawks get a HOFer for free. Thank you Jimmy Graham.
MFA
jimmy who?