… and the Apocalypse That Never Ends Being a Cardinals Fan
Just as Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, and countless others are accused of sexual harrassment by numerous scores of innocent victims, so too am I the victim of a raping that goes far beyond the deviant misconduct of those animals.
Maynard thinks what Kevin Spacey and Subway Sandwich Jared did to him as a kid were bad? Well I’m here to tell you it’s nothing compared to what the Cardinals have been doing to me and my fellow Cardinals fans for over 2 decades.
The physical and psychological and sexual assault on me began the day I renounced my allegiance to the Rams and became an Artizona Cardinals fan. Oh sure, some will say it’s my own fault. Why go there? Why not become a Patriots fan, or the fan of any other team in the league? But alas, I was lured into the opium den of NFL fan rapedom. In this pit of despair me and other Cards fans huddle quietly in a dark corner, in fetal positions, every Sunday, dreading missed field goals, interceptions, fumbles, penailties, and the public ridicule and humiliation from the rest of SKA.
Poor DHC is suffering multiple physical ailments as a result of the molestation the Cardinals are putting on us. Keal has been forced to do peyote and other halucinagins to escape the horrors of this reality, and if you think I exaggerate this then look no further than the car he drives. A Jetta? I mean cmon! The poor guy is now obviously questioning his sexual orientation!
And then there is MFA. His dad took him to 49er games as a kid but he turned on his own father to become a fan of an NFCW rival. Oh the humanity… It’s sad. Very sad. I feel like posting a youtube video of “Cats in the Cradle” for MFA and his dad in the hopes that one day he dawns the jersey of Jimmy Grabapole and reunites with his lost bretheren, Tigre, Adu, Bader, 4905, Lisa, NAV, and all the others that share the loss of one of their own. Welcome home Mike…. Follow the light…
Oh sure, there were those two seasons when I got my hopes up. Kurt Warner took us to the big show once. What a glorious feeling. Until the wheels fell off and my hopes and dreams died, dashed on the rocks like a Russel Wilson Superbowl interception. And then that one time when Palmer took us to the NFC Championship game and then proceeded to shovel even more pain and misery on all of us Redbird fans. There is some solice. As MFA reports, we did win a Championship in 1947. So we have that going for us…
And now, what does the future hold for me and others that call themselves the Bird Gang? More mental distress driving us to drink, use drugs, and become impotent like Munkey? More SKA humiliations? 200 hour shifts like ADU works? I don’t know. I can’t predict the future, but based on the past I’m scared, very scared. A new head coach is coming. A new QB and other players will be suiting up in the beautiful Arizona Cardinal uniforms and our hopes as fans will be raised up despite the warnings of the past. But we don’t care. We have Jack Daniels to help us get through the hard times.
So as our team, The Arizona Cardinals, tempt us once again with dreams of winning a Lombardi, we will drink our booze until we can’t tell what the final score of any game is. We will show up in here to take our lumps from fake fans of other teams, and I will continue to post the laughing Charleton Heston even though I’m crying inside.
And finally, it wouldn’t be proper of me to submit an article on SKA without me telling you all to fuck off!
