(Only teams relevant to the NFCW, its users, abusers, and hangers-on)
Forgetaboutit, Niners:
Signed running back Tevin Coleman from the Falcons. Why? The Niners need mudders, like Roger Craig, and Carlos Hyde. These indoor carpet dancers like Jerrick McKinnon tear their ACL’s as soon as their ballet slippers touch actual soil. Signed pass rush specialists Dee Ford, and Kwon ‘Tore his ACL in week 7, 2018’ Alexander to, let me get this straight, ALL of their capspace money?? How the fuck are they going to pay their cripple quarterback, Ralph Macchio or whatever? On the plus side, they didn’t lose any good players to free agency, because they didn’t fucking have any.
GRADE: B
CTEhawks:
Adam Shleffler is reporting some guy who tackles guys is re-signing with CTEattle. The one with two hands, I hope. They kept some other dudes too, but they lost Earl Thomas, and Mike Davis, so it’s a fucking wash, really. Some guys wanna stay, some wanna go, but it doesn’t seem like anyone not drafted there wants to sign with that goddamn cult. “OH, WE HAVE THE TWELVES!” Yeah well the Twelves have herpes, alright? From head to toe, and all points in between. Just walking pus filled festered sores, the poor fuckers.
Grade: C-
Tardinals:
Signed Suggs! Hicks! Sweezy! HUNDLEY??? Holychrist, this really is dartboard decision making right here. Sure, every single piece of their team not named Larry Fitzgerald needs to be shipped elsewhere, including the staff, team ownership, the stadium, and the team. Shit, I think St Louis would kill to have them birdshits back in town again. Fucking Buccannon left, as did their leading tackler Bethea. So, Calais Campbell, Honeybadger, and now BETHEA??!? What the fuck are they trying to lose for 100 MORE years?
Grade:C-
ButtRams:
Jeez, who the fuck cares. They had the most stacked, BUSTING at the seams with talent roster in the entire league, and fucking squandered it. CHOKED IT AWAY. It doesn’t fucking matter if Donkeykong Suh is there or not, it doesn’t matter if Gurley runs for 10,000 yards next year, and Aaron Fucking Donald slams every quarterback to the turf so hard they all come flying out of a hole in China, and if Jared Goff’s tiny hands can somehow propel a football a million miles for a billion touchdowns, it still won’t fucking matter if they lose to the goddamn motherfucking Patriots in the Superbowl. So it doesn’t matter who they get or lose. It just doesn’t matter.
Grade: whatever
Next week: MOCK DRAFTS- WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN THE LAND OF HOPES AND DREAMS!
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