Good morning SKA users. It’s Tuesday and that means it’s time to Arm Yourselves… WITH KNOWLEDGE!!!
Wow, what an eventful week. I forgot that posting ACCURATE stats on this glorified fan-site for Hawk-Haters is a dangerous business, and I must be on constant alert! Whilst copying/pasting the truth for my fellow Knowledge-Seekers, I found myself under attack from a soulless, corrupt, untrustworthy Moderator gone mad. Adusoron’s misguided attempt at debunking reality is your typical slanderous propaganda from the Knowledge-Haters in San Francisco.
Apparently, things like “Pass attempts” and “Pass completions” are too subjective for him. And to prove that he WASN’T subjective, he spent the whole night scouring the internet in search of any random, made-up numbers he could use to make his guy look better. He was posting all sorts of back alley, voodoo statistics that he had never heard of before. Most of these “formulas” were conjured up by statistical Charlatans; vile bloodsuckers who dupe poor saps out of their Social Security checks, forcing them to pay subscription fees to hear what they want to hear. Adu even besmirched my Prestigious Golden Boner Award for Outstanding Achievements in the Fields of Excellence and NFL Trivia. Has he no shame?
When Adu was finally finished, he gleefully announced that Kaepernick was the best ever, even though his own stats said Carson Palmer was playing better. (Please note: My unbiased article ALSO had Carson Palmer ranked as the top quarterback in the division.) He then arrived at the same conclusion I had: That it is important to use MULTIPLE metrics when trolling other teams’ quarterbacks. That is exactly why I post passer rating, completion percentage, yards per attempt, and others.
My stats can be easily calculated by any football fan, DURING the game if they want to – and that sort of free access to knowledge always makes fascist Adusoron-types nervous. None of my stats are perfect, but if you take a look at all of them -with a big enough sample size- you can accurately judge a book by its cover.
Nevertheless, Adu has inspired me to broaden my statistical spectrum when evaluating his favorite player. So let’s take a look at the updated stats!
Quarterbacks (Ranked by Passer Rating)
Russell Wilson – 115/175 (65.7%) 1,291yds 7.38ypa 10td 2int 101.9prtg
Carson Palmer – 74/112 (66.1%) 807yds 7.21ypa 6td 1int 101.3prtg
Austin Davis – 136/206 (66.0%) 1,517yds 7.36ypa 9td 4int 94.3prtg
Colin Kaepernick – 143/224 (63.8%) 1,719yds 7.67ypa 11td 5int 94.3rtg
Running backs (Ranked by Yards per Attempt)
Colin Kaepernick – 49att 260yds 5.3ypa 0td 1fum
Marshawn Lynch – 97att 420yds 4.3ypa 3td 0fum
Frank Gore – 102att 423yds 4.1ypa 1td 0fum
Zac Stacy – 61att 240yds 3.9ypa 1td 2fum
Andre Ellington – 105att 393yds 3.7ypa 1td 1fum
What’s changed?
Carson Palmer’s reign as the top-rated passer in the division was short lived. Meanwhile Colin Kaepernick has tumbled into 4th place in that category. His passer rating is tied with that of undrafted 3rd stringer Austin Davis, but Davis gets the tie-breaker based on Completion Percentage – my second favorite Passing Statistic.
Kaepernick DOES make a strong showing in the Running back rankings, with a whopping 5.3 yards per attempt and zero touchdowns. Hopefully this placates Audsoron’s psychotic need for expanded statistical analysis. I’d send Mr. Kaepernick a prize of some sort, but the fact is that Russell Wilson’s rushing stats are much much better. Wilson just doesn’t have the 45 rush attempts needed to qualify for the running back rankings on The Real BKOB Report. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
My Analysis:
Who are these Arizona Cardinals and what the heck is going on?? In all my years of copy/pasting stats from ESPN, I’ve never been so befuddled. On one hand, their vaunted front-7 has been obliterated by injuries and suspensions. On the other hand, they’re STILL the best in the league at stopping the run. On one hand, their ghastly pass defense is among the very worst in football, led by overrated draft bust/laughingstock Patrick Peterson. On the other hand, their turnover margin is fantastic, and they have a TWO GAME lead in the division! Can it be? I guess their record speaks for itself and that’s all that matters.
So what’s the story with my Seahawks? Well, a quick glance at the stats tells SOME of the tale. For starters, they’re average. And it starts with the defense. Sure, they’re ABOVE average in a few categories (Yards per game, rushing defense) and well BELOW average in a few other (sacks and turnovers). This equals out to one mediocre defense. They don’t strike fear in the hearts of opposing quarterbacks, and they don’t instill confidence in their fans. Fans who have come to expect much more. Can this unit recover and resume their legendary dominance from last year? It’d be nice if they did.
The offense can’t get out of its own way. Looking at the stats it’s obvious that they run the ball well, thanks in large part to the contributions of the quarterback. Whenever they DO commit to running it with Marshawn Lynch, the biggest plays inevitably get called back due to some bone-headed penalty. Russell Wilson remains efficient, despite being under pressure more often than any other quarterback. But until the Seahawks acquire (or develop) a legitimate down-field threat AND an offensive line that can perform adequate, mistake-free football, the passing game will always be based on misdirection of trickeration.
All of that statistical average-ness leads to a remarkably average 3-3 record. It isn’t a death sentence by any means. There are some winnable games coming up, and hopefully the Champions can get it together. Also, I hate Jeff Fisher.
Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers proved once again that they do not belong anywhere near the big stage. Colin Kaepernick obviously let Adusoron’s article go to his head, and he played like garbage on national television. I don’t need Trent Dilfer to tell me that this offense is putrid. This is why they’ve been in second place for almost two years straight. Their Cinderella-story has gone down in flames.
And now, how about your feedback? Have I convinced you that your team is terrible? As always, please keep your comments relevant to the article, and don’t bother writing any rebuttals because I’m better at life than you.
Hairy Carrie
Bitches