Immediately prior to writing this piece of literature I saw a factoid on the twitter: “115 mock drafts last year, none got more than 8 picks right. The only one being mocked is you.”
Well, fuck whoever wrote that.
I’m going to start with the least relevant teams in the division, and work my way up to the back-to-back conference champions, blower out of Cardinals, franchise-destroyer of 49ers and dominator of Rams in some universe where Johnny Hekker is a gay bartender… The Mighty Seattle Seahawks.
*Note: It’s okay if I mess up on which draft pick your team holds.
Methodology – If cbssports.com says they’re available at a given selection, then they’re available.
St. Louis Rams (least relevant team) –
The Rams have accumulated massive amounts of high picks in recent years. This fact was high-lighted by their mustachioed leader in a game against the Washington Redskins in hilarious fashion. In a hilarious double-troll move, Jeff Fisher simultaneously mocked the Redskins front office by trotting out all of the players acquired by the Rams via the RGIII trade for the opening coin toss, while also mocking himself by figuratively stating “LOL, look at all this talent, and we still suck.” Anyways, this year the Rams only have six picks, and this is what might happen.
1.10 (this means first round, tenth overall selection) – Devante Parker, WR, Louisville – The Rams have a lot of potential at WR, but so far all of that potential has sucked, with the exception of Kenny Britt. I don’t know anything about Parker, but I’m assuming he’s pretty good. They just traded for Nick Foles, and it might be smart to draft a non-sucky target for him to throw to.
2.41 – Laken Tomlinson, OG, Duke – I’m assuming that Greg Robinson plays LT next year. I don’t really know. Saffold is injury prone and expensive, so they could draft a talented guy to play LG and keep Nick Foles upright (he is gangly and immobile).
3.72 – Bryce Petty, QB, Baylor – Nick Foles might not work out, and I’ve heard good things about this guy.
4.119 – Mike Davis, RB, South Carolina – Four offensive players in a row! Les Snead is probably to image conscious to do that, which is a shame because Mike Davis is a good RB.
6.215 – Kristjan Sokoli, DT, Buffalo – In a pathetic move, Les Snead attempts to troll John Schnieder by picking up a player that Seattle is interested in. Sokoli is insanely athletic but raw, Rams obviously have talent ahead of him at DT, so they can give him time to develop.
7.227 – Max Garcia, C, Florida – I think cbssports might be retarded, this guy should be gone by now. At any rate, he can play football and I think the Rams might need some more interior oline help.
San Francisco 49ers (potentially relevant team) –
The 49ers draft will be orchestrated by Trent Baalke, also known as “The Draft Ninja.” He was given this nickname by the Niner Faithful, presumably for assassinating the entire 2012 draft. He will have his work cut out for him this year as the 49ers will begin to fill holes created by salary cap moves, as well as by the willful abandonment of the team by core players.
1.15 – Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Oklahoma – The 49ers could probably trade back and still get this guy. He is a very good athlete and also a decent football player. Supposedly he is also pretty stupid. However, Kaepernick has had a few high-profile instances of difficulty completing important passes in the end zone. Maybe a greater-than-mediocre WR talent would help.
2.46 – Benardick McKinney, ILB, Mississippi State – Don’t know anything about him, but the 49ers could use an inside linebacker after Patrick Willis and Chris Borland retired. This is fucking hilarious.
3.79 – Clive Walford, TE, Miami (Florida) – Vernon Davis may be playing his last year in San Francisco and Vance McDonald sucks.
4.126 – Reese Dismukes, C, Auburn – Scrappy player. The 49ers have a hodgepodge of underwhelming/unproven players competing at LG and C (Thomas, Kilgore and Martin). Add this guy to the mix.
4.132 – Bobby McCain, CB, Memphis – With Jimmie Ward, the 49ers showed the world that they are not afraid of selecting undersized defensive backs. Currently, Tramaine Brock is their only proven CB, so they could use some talent here to compete with Dontae Johnson, Ketih Reaser, Kenneth Acker and Jimmie “I’m Bad at Football” Ward.
5.151 – Ramik Wilson, ILB, Georgia – One can never have too many inside linebackers, apparently.
6.190 – Brandon Bridge, QB, South Alabama – I’ve heard good things about this guy. I think. Also, it’s kind of embarrassing to have Blaine Gabbert on your team.
7.246 – Jordan Taylor, WR, Rice – 6’4” with 4.5 speed. Quinton Patton needs to go.
7.254 – Xavier Williams, DT, Northern Iowa – I heard good things about this guy too. Dorsey and Williams have been oft-injured.
Arizona Cardinals (likely to show symptoms of relevance) –
Steve Keim is the GM for the Cardinals. In his spare time he enjoys writing hip-hop lyrics, smoking peyote in the desert and searching for the many porn stashes maintained by Bruce Arians.
1.24 – Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State – The Cardinals forgo selecting the under rated Brett Hundley in favor of the win-now mentality. They have fielded a staunch run defense the past few years but lost Dan Williams to free agency. Goldman can help.
2.55 – Mario Edwards, DE/OLB, Florida State – Cardinals could use some pass rush help to elevate their defense to “elite.” Also, Lisa becomes a Cardinal fan.
3.86 – David Cobb, RB, Minnesota – This would be a steal for the Cardinals. Cobb would give them the physical runner that they lack. They need more balance on offense.
4.123 – Tyler Kroft, TE, Rutgers – Cardinals could also use a TE that can stay healthy and catch the ball. Their offense seems to revolve around QBs that somewhat randomly throw the ball hard down the middle of the field. Kroft is 6’5”, so that seems like a good match.
5.159 – Markus Golden, DE/OLB, Missouri – Another pass rusher. Last year at this time some people were saying that Golden could be a top 10 pick in the 2015 draft. Then they realized that he was short, with short arms and lacked athleticism. He has a high motor and can be productive, much like his ex-teammate Michael Sam. In fact, sans an impeccable sense of fashion, Markus Golden is pretty much Michael Sam.
6.198 – Laurence Gibson, OT, Virginia Tech – Very athletic offensive tackle, could develop behind Veldheer, or compete at RT.
7.241 – Deion Barnes, DE, Penn State – Another pass rusher that failed to live up to expectations this past year. Barnes showed promise but fell down draft boards as the 2014 college football season progressed as scouts noted his lack of improvement; however, he is still a promising player who could develop into a solid rotational pass rusher in the NFL.
7.256 – Evan Spencer, WR, Ohio State – Try-hard football player that can make the team based on special teams. He’s not going to be a down-field playmaker, but the Cardinals have Fitzgerald, Floyd and Brown for that. He can come in and not embarrass himself though.
Seattle Seahawks (They will probably win the Super Bowl) –
Seattle is going to fucking dominate this draft.
2.70 *TRADE BITCHES (Seattle moves back 7 spots and picks up a 7th rounder, they get raped per the Jimmy Johnson trade value chart, but PCJS don’t GAF)* – Devin Funchess, WR, Michigan – It seems like Devin Funchess or Sammie Coates are likely to be available here and I’m going with Funchess. Elite physical tangibles, huge catch radius, insane leaping ability, and shitty consistency. Seattle roles the dice for a potential 1st round physical talent (what’s that? He ran a slow forty at the combine? STFU, so did Kelvin Benjamin; when you have a 16’ catch radius you don’t need to be fast).
3.80 *TRADE BITCHES (Seattle moves up 13 spots, giving up the 4th rounder they got from the Saints, this is spot on per the Jimmy Johnson Trade Value Chart) – Mitch Morse, C, Missouri – Very athletic, tough and versatile lineman. Just like Cable likes. He mostly played LT at Missouri, but people say he can play C in the NFL. He can compete with Patrick Lewis and Lemuel Jeanpierre.
4.130 – Tray Walker, CB, Texas Southern – This would be seen by some as a massive overdraft. Fuck yeah, this is what PCJS does. Tall physical corner with hops and a huge wing span. Carroll makes him the next 10 million dollar man in four years.
4.134 – Ty Montgomery, WR, Stanford – Tough physical player. Can run deep routes and bubble screens… that’s about it. Oh, and he can return kicks really well. That’s a huge need for Seattle. Don’t listen to what BFS says about this, they’re taking Montgomery.
5.167 – Shaquille Riddick, DE/OLB, West Virginia – Athletic pass rusher with great length. Horridly miscast at West Virginia as a 5-tech player. He would give Seattle edge rusher depth behind Avril and Irvin.
5.170 – Chaz Green, OT, Florida – Tough, scrappy, can compete with Alvin Bailey to be our swing tackle or LG.
6.181 – Quinton Spain, OG, West Virginia – Seattle likes big LGs, Spain is 330, however, he is much more athletic than Carpenter was (more like Bailey), which might help him stay healthy in Cables ZBS. Safety first.
6.209 – David Irving, DT/DE, Iowa State – This guy is an athletic freak (6’7”, 280 pounds, 4.8 speed) has huge potential and plays with nastiness, however he is a little bit crazy, and is not even considered to be draftable by many people. On the downside, he hit a woman and forcibly removed her hair with scissors, then joined a riot and wielded a stop sign over his head that he had uprooted. On the upside, he made Brandon Scherff (potential top 10 pick) look like a bitch.
6.214 – Christian Ringo, DT, Louisiana Lafayette – Fucking future HOFer that only PCJS and I know about.
7th rounder picked up via trade – Dexter McDonald, CB, Kansas – Jeremy Lane clone, physically and mentally.
7.248 – Terrell Wastson, RB, Azusa Pacific – 6’0”, 235 pounds, 4.5 40 and runs physical according to the internet.
