@oneminutecall PRESENTS: A political rant for the ages.

Here’s the truth…I’m a straight, white, christian, educated American male who makes a fuckton of money. Elections can’t even touch me. Fuck it, vote for Trump. Or ignore Biden because your favorite Grandpa didn’t get the nod. Go for it. I still win. Trump is a plus for me. 1/

The thing is, he’s still a cancerous ghoul whose only goal is power and wealth and he’s happy to take a big syphilitic piss on the Constitution and the institutional strength of America to do it. But again, I still win. I’ll pay lower taxes and my kids will surpass yours. 2/

I get why people like the guy—especially fat-faced dimwits. He’s the dumb bully they never got to be. He exudes a tasteless person’s vision of status. He’s what every angry moron thinks he’d be if only the liberals/Jews/welfare queens/etc. hadn’t ruined the American dream. 3/

Doesn’t really matter though. I still win. I’ll wiggle out of income taxes and send my kids to private school and never worry about insurance and buy a boat named “$elf Made.” I’ll buy houses to rent to 40-ish millennials with ?in their twitter names who can’t afford to buy. 4/

And you’ll either vote for the next Trump (you idiot) or boycott the next Biden because you grew up in the era of fake internet points and  http://Change.org  petitions and you think fleeting, peacocking displays of your ethical rectitude mean fuck-all in the real world. 5/

Or maybe you’ll realize that the reason I’m saying all this asshole-ish but truthful shit is because you (you, me, the broader we) actually have to quit pretending that being a pissbaby about your candidate is going to do anything but make life worse for vulnerable people. 6/

It doesn’t matter that you liked Bernie. Or Warren (man I liked Warren) or McKinsey Pete or whoever the fuck Tom Steyer is. It doesn’t matter. They lost. And pretending that someone who can’t beat Joe Fucking Biden was going to win the general is asinine. 7/

Because here’s the thing—the real thing. You’ve got to give a shit about other people. A kid in Pennsylvania is counting on you to send Betsy Devos packing so he can have a school lunch—the only real meal he gets in a day. RBG is out here clingin to life to save jurisprudence. 8/

People from all degrees of marginalized existences—the poor, LGBTs, immigrants, your grandma with diabetes, minorities—are counting on you to stop wilfully making shit worse by “stanning” some defunct candidate and giving more power to the grifters and single-issue fuckwits. 9/

So sit around and pet your crotch about how Bernie was going to forgive your loans from your semiotics degree at Swarthmore. Or maybe just grow up a little and stop making the world better for people like me and worse for people to whom we owe a duty of care as fellow humans. 10/

Care about the greater good for once—not just your infantile, idealized, selfish version of it. Care enough about your country to put away your fantasies about loan forgiveness and stop the guy whose goal is “well done steak cooked over the ashes of American governance.” 11/

Or, don’t. Like I said. I’ll be fine. Looking forward to that boat, really. 12/12

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