If you were expecting a tawdry article full of TMZ-level cheap shots, well, you guessed lucky.
We’re going to steer away from discussions of mechanics and analysis of skills progression, and use that time instead towards innuendo, slander, and my opinions stated as unshakeable facts.
Let’s begin.
Chapter 1: “Aloha, Akhbar!”
Kaep entered my life on January 12, 2013. I remember an early pick 6 by Shields and preparing some sweet trolling ammo. Then, as far as I can tell, Dom Capers had a series of 14-17 minor strokes over the next hour and a half. Kaep ran left, he ran right, and sometimes his blockers were in the way so he had to run free up the middle instead. He had like 900 rushing yards and it literally induced an 8-year-old Tribe into entering puberty mid-game.
Chapter 2: “It’s So Simple, Man!”
Kaep was caught on film mouthing this to a teammate during this breakthrough performance. If only he was talking about Pocket Presence, Route Progressions, Line Adjustments, Pre-Snap Reads, Hot Route Recognitions, or etiquette regarding dating the girlfriends of current teammates. I guess what I’m saying is, in retrospect, this was as good as Kaep would ever be. He literally peaked in Games 10-12 of his young career.
Chapter 3: “Ron Jaworski Says Stuff”
As it turns out, Kaep didn’t really look any better the following year but the team under Harbs was still on the upswing. They managed to make it to the Super Bowl where Colin illustrated the chief difference between himself and Russell Wilson: whereas RW would be fine with completing the ball to the opponent to end it all with multiple downs remaining, Colin displayed maturity and patience by repeatedly missing on the same route 17 straight times in 4 downs, somehow.
http://i.imgur.com/zwfmCqQ.jpg
Chapter 4: “Defensive Coordinators Take Notes, Kaep Falls Asleep At Desk”
While Kaep’s performance seemed to stagnate, it was really a result of DC’s across the league (except for Dom Capers, who needed the sleep) building up film. I warned and warned the 49er fanbase about this, but they just gave me Likes to shut me up and ignored my sage musings on how important basic pocket passing is to having a career beyond 27 games. Meanwhile, Harbaugh was snapping towels at Jed York when he’d show up in the locker room and calling him “Bitchtits McGee” whenever anyone was in earshot. It was clear that this marriage of convenience was going to end up like other great pairings such as Garlic Fries and Chocolate Frosting dip.
Chapter 5: “Kaep Is 100% Responsible For FPS Losing His Goddamn Mind”
TRUTH NUKE. This statement basically finishes up the 2014 season recap. Little did our boy Fred know that 2015 was going to happen despite him adding “Rapture 9am” to his Outlook Event Calendar every Friday from October onwards.
Chapter 6: “My Two Dads Got Divorced”
During the 2014 season, Tomsula was busying himself by sneaking out of coaching meetings to report to York while rubbing his hands like a fly. I guess I don’t know exactly what he blamed the 49ers mediocrity on, but it’s clear his suggested solution was to hire a fat inexperienced Italian instead of that loser who went to 3 straight NFCCG’s. So with that, Kaep was “unleashed” and Harbs was kicked to the curb. The 2015 season isn’t over yet, but the high point for the 49ers thus far was the scintillating discussion on whether or not Tomsula literally shat his own pants while answering questions that one time.
Chapter 7: “Gabbert Gabbert Hey”
So here we are, today. In about 30 months, Kaep went from being a guy who would throw for 5,000 yards and run for 2,000 every season while sharting on Joe Montana’s and Steve Young’s careers, to a guy that was benched because the fanbase wanted to see what that Blaine Gabbert character could do. Is he really that bad? Probably not, but you had to know it was over when the big article from earlier in the year was “49ers slim down playbook to appeal to Kaep’s strength”. I’m going to explain something to you about football right now. When you get rid of 96 pages of your 100 page playbook and just leave in the ones that say “Run Like A Chicken Left” and “Run Like An Ostrich Right”, you are in big fucking trouble, bro. Year 4 is when you should be mastering your offense and adding new wrinkles at YOUR suggestion, not tearing shit out of it and tossing crumpled up pages behind you like the Swedish Chef.
Chapter 8: “Who Benefits?”
So, now that Kaep is likely done as a 49er for all practical purposes, who won?
1) The 49er fanbase. Maybe not in the short term, but in the next 7-10 years I can see big improvements such as multi-win seasons.
2) SKA Trolls, like all of you reading this, except for me. Because I wouldn’t waste my time writing about Kaep, personally.
3) Adusoron’s Video Card. No longer will it be put to extreme use creating GIF’s of 11 yard crossing routes in 4K resolution.
4) Kaep himself. Now he can focus on fashion decisions like “Which rival team’s logo can I wear today?” and exotic turtle adoptions.
Jive Lake Duck
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