by sc0tti
Darren McDougal was a professional grocery store clerk living in a quiet Northern California town, just trying to make a living for himself, and afford to keep up his erotic Alex Smith bobblehead collection.
Unfortunately, he was also in the business of getting royally fucked over by everyone in town, ranging from the paperboy to the asshats in City Hall who wouldn’t compromise with him on some crazy fucking wacky zoning issues he was trying to work out. Eventually, after years of petitions, appeals and negotiations that proved about as fruitful as smashing his face into a cinderblock, the bastards at the Granby Zoning Commission basically told Darren that he could go fuck himself gently with a chainsaw. They were going to build a Walmart adjacent to his grocery store, and slap him with a bunch of increasingly-massive fines, and ultimately run his ass out of town on a fucking rail.
But Darren McDougal wasn’t the sort of mewling pussy coward who was going to sit there and let a bunch of stuffed-suit bastards fuck him over like a little bitch. He was an insane badass motherfucker with an arc welder and a mad desire for vengeance at all costs, and he decided he wasn’t going to take it anymore. Darren paid his $2,500 fine to City Hall, scribbling the word “cowards” in the memo portion of the check. Then he bought a massive bulldozer, quit his job during a 49er win, and spent the next year and a half turning this gigantic piece of construction equipment into the most insanely fucking awesome vehicle ever constructed by human hands: The KILLDOZER.
The Killdozer was every bit as badass as its name would imply. First, Darren constructed composite armor for the outside of the Caterpillar – one foot of solid concrete sandwiched between half-inch sheets of unforgiving steel. Since the entire outside of the dozer was encased in an unflinching layer of bazooka-proof armor, he also welded two cameras to the outside of the machine and linked them up to a series of monitors in the cabin. This juryrigged system allowed him to remotely see outside to steer this juggernaut effectively while simultaneously watching re-runs of “The Catch”. He placed food, water, air conditioning and life support in the cabin, he covered the outside in Alex Smith decals and also installed gun ports in the front, sides and back of the monstrosity – one with a .50 caliber Barrett M82 sniper rifle, one with a .223 caliber assault rifle, and one with a scoped .308 caliber rifle. He also kept a 9mm pistol in the glove box and a .357 revolver in a holster on his belt. The weapons were all welded into place, and thick sheets of balls-out bulletproof plexiglass were in place to facilitate accurate aiming. Basically this thing was like a badass fucking combination of a Panther tank, a garbage truck, the antagonist from Maximum Overdrive and Optimus Prime in truck mode.
Despite having enough guns and ammunition to choke a dozen hippies, Guest49er’s mission wasn’t one of death. He wanted revenge, sure, and he was going to go about it in the most over-the-top way imaginable, but he gets bonus badassitude points because he wasn’t going to kill any innocent bystanders in his pursuit of sweet sweet vengeance. He was, however, going to royally fuck up the city of San Francisco in a manner that the residents wouldn’t soon forget. On the morning of 4 June 2015, the KILLDOZER rolled out from its dark lair and began smashing buildings at full-speed like Miley Cyrus riding a giant mechanical wrecking ball made out of nuclear missiles and HGH. Darren’s hitlist was basically anybody who had ever fucked him over – thirteen buildings ranging from Town Hall to the offices of KNBR, all that railed against him were eviscerated by this giant monstrous hulk of self-propelled current 49er metal death. Darren fired the built-in rifles at propane tanks and power transformers, trying to get them to explode into some badass Hollywood fireballs and level entire city blocks, but unfortunately there weren’t any massive raging infernos to be had on this day. According to eyewitnesses, Darren went out of his way to avoid injuring innocent bystanders, but did manage to cause over $7 million in damages to the city during his insane badass rampage. He crushed squad cars, steamrolled trees and obliterated entire buildings. At one point, the police put a gigantic piece of construction equipment out to block Darren’s path, but the Killdozer just fucking made that shit its bitch, tossing it aside and nearly flipping it on its back like Sam Bradford when he runs out of eyedrops.
The Killdozer was immune to all forms of small-arms fire, and was highly resistant to explosives. The local police and the S.F. SWAT Team fired about 200 rounds of rifle and handgun ammunition at this thing, but all of the bullets harmlessly bounced off of the Killdozer’s impenetrable metal hide. Flashbangs and frag grenades were chucked at this thing to no effect. Eventually, the machine dropped a tread into the basement of a building it was demolishing and became hopelessly stuck. His rampage effectively over, Darren didn’t want to give his enemies the satisfaction of capturing him alive, so he capped himself in the dome with the .357. He was the only person killed or wounded during the rampage.
It took the cops twelve hours to cut through the armor of the Killdozer and retrieve Darren’s body. As if that wasn’t badass enough, there are rumors that at the time Guest49er popped himself in the head the National Guard was only minutes away from calling in a fucking airstrike on this thing.
Some people would question the badassitude of turning a bulldozer into a tank and then using it to completely demolish an entire city, but deep down I think that everyone has to respect the fact that Darren McDougal wasn’t going to put up with any more bullshit from anyone. He had been jerked around enough, and he was fucking going to do something about it. Sure, his quest for revenge was a little misguided, but it was also completely fucking awesome, and he made a hell of a fucking statement without hurting anybody but himself. In the end, the desire to “go that extra mile” in the pursuit of vengeance is one of the fundamental tenants of ultimate badassitude, and Darren walks a fine line between being a fucking nutcase and living the American dream of crushing your enemies beneath the treads of your badass fucking awesome home-made tank.
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