..And I’m Going To Explain Why For No Reason
This isn’t a review; it’s an autopsy. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, congratulations, but there will probably be spoilers in here. If this frightens you, do what comes naturally and skip this horseshit right down to the comment section.
Luke Skywalker Becomes A Pussified Boxcar Hobo
When I was a kid, I wondered how powerful the Jedi Master version of Luke Skywalker would become in his later years. Turns out he’s basically an alcoholic loner living with green Space Mexicans to do his space laundry. When he isn’t yelling at visitors to get off his lawn, he’s getting his next fix of green space milk straight from the teats of a space manatee.
Leia Can Survive the Vacuum of Space Now Because Reasons
Oh shit, a missile hit the bridge and Leia’s sucked out into space, where the temperatures approach absolute zero and she’d crystallize instantly. But wait, she has force powers too. And one of them is floating like goddamn Mary Poppins back to the ship so she can spend the next movie-hour in a space coma. Too bad we can’t use this incident to explain her real-life mumbling and weirdly affected speech patterns.
Force Ghosts Have New Powers Too, Because Of Course They Do
Our good friend Yoda shows up to lecture Luke about why books he was sent to guard for 30 years aren’t really all that important. As a final Fuck You, he causes a Lighting Storm to set fire to the Jedi Tree. Thanks asshole…where was this ability any of the other 37 times in the other movies we could have used your omnipotent Ghost Powers? Show up anywhere and cause a lightning storm? Do that I can. Yee hee hee.
Get This Purple Haired Bitch Off The Bridge
Laura Dern was boring 20 years ago. She’s still boring now, and twice as ugly. Thank God they made the choice of giving her PURPLE HAIR which totally redeemed her character! Space Feminism sucks. I can’t think of a single goddamn thing she said or did in this movie.
What’s With The Chunky Chinese Girl With Down Syndrome?
Let’s talk about the literal elephant in the room—Kelly Marie Tran, aka Rose Tico aka Who The Fuck Cares. Another actor I can’t remember doing a single interesting thing in this movie, but she DID tick off all 3 boxes for DOWN SYNDROME ACTOR, OVERWEIGHT PLUS SIZE ACTOR and CHINESE ACTOR so we got those demographics covered. Not coincidentally, fat retarded Chinese people LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie.
70% Of This Movie Is A Reenactment of the OJ Simpson Slow Bronco Chase
Seriously, this is the plot. A bad large ship chases a good large ship at 15 space miles per hour because the good guys are low on fuel and can’t warp. Now, I was thinking the bad guys had plenty of fuel and could afford to, you know, GO FASTER and catch them so they could shoot them, but no…space reasons. There was a huge plot twist halfway through where the good large ship sent off 20 smaller ships to continue the low speed chase. It was so thrilling I had to cover my space erection with my space cola.
Let’s Go To A Casino Planet And Save Animals
Since the first 90 minutes of the movie sort of dragged along due to the Bronco Chase, the filmmakers spiced it up by sending Finn & Rose (the two retards) to a Casino Planet. It was amazing, too. We learned that rich people are bad and animals are nice. In the end, the space donkeys were saved and they kicked the shit out of the space casino, and then it turned out none of that mattered because the Feminazis running the bridge came up with a different plan.
Luke Almost Redeems The Movie—So Let’s Fuck It Up Quick Before That Happens
I have to say, when Luke steps out to face the “New Order” or whatever the fuck they’re called, I got space chills. I thought, this might be our Darth Maul Moment amongst a sea of misery. And for about 80 seconds it delivered. Luke was doing some Matrix shit out there. But then the bad guy pokes him with a lightsaber and realizes it was all just a space mirage. Meanwhile, back on planet Bumblefuck, Luke is in his yoga pose projecting himself across time and space. The sheer exhaustion from almost doing something tangible in this movie, caused him to collapse and die from a space heart attack.
They Aren’t Even Trying To Hide Toy Product Placement Anymore
Seriously, what the fuck was the point of those little fur penguins? Or the foxes with crystals? They each had like 7 scenes it felt like. I can already imagine kids screaming in Target until Mommy lets them get one.
Benicio Del Toro’s Acting Choice Was A St-St-Stutter
‘Now, if Benicio had come out as his character from Fear & Loathing, we’d have a winner, folks. THAT’S AN ALIEN! Instead he’s just another space hobo who—wait for it—double crosses people while he st-st-stutters occasionally. Way to go, Brando.
Carrie Fisher Took A Page Out Of Luke Skywalker’s Playbook In Real Life
The sheer disappointment of this film caused the real life Carrie Fisher to make like Luke Skywalker and just disappear from the planet out of embarrassment. You got off too easy, honey! I wish you had taken me with you so my space childhood wouldn’t have been ruined forever.
