NFCE All-bEast Team – Quarter Pole

794 598 Sir Squatch

By Joey “Reg” Esquire

QB – Dak Prescott
The leader in basically every statistical passing category. Competition level should come into account, but for now it’s Dak over Wentz based on raw production.

RB – Saquon Barkley, Ezekiel Elliott
Yes, I’m putting two RBs on instead of three WRs, because the WRs have mostly been injured, terrible, or both.

WR – Terry McLaurin, Amari Cooper
Alshon Jeffery, Desean Jackson and Michael Gallup have all missed time due to injury. Now McLaurin and Cooper are also banged up. Golden Tate has been suspended. Trey Quinn has had to watch as Case Keenum throws balls to nobody in particular and Dwayne Haskins throws balls to the defense.

TE – Evan Engram
Engram leads the division in basically every statistical receive category for TEs.

OL – Tyron Smith, Kevin Zeitler, Jason Kelce, Brandon Brooks, La’el Collins
This is based broadly on overall OL performance in terms of sack prevention and rushing efficiency. Mostly it’s arbitrary. Kelce has been legitimately great. Travis Frederick looked awful against the Saints, and hey, look! A Giants player on the all-bEast OL. Stock up on canned goods.

DT – Fletcher Cox, Maliek Collins
Cox makes the list mostly on reputation. He has barely been a factor through four games. I gave him the spot because the Eagles have the best run defense in the division. Collins also makes mostly it by default. DT play has been unremarkable thus far.

Edge – Robert Quinn, Demarcus Lawrence
A hot start for Quinn. I used a formula of sacks + TFLs + ½(QB hits) to rank the players. Derek Barnett was third.

LB – Jaylon Smith, Leighton VanderEsch, Landon Collins
Smith and VanderEsch are tackling machines. Landon Collins is on here for trolling purposes.

CB – Quinton Dunbar, Chidobe Awuzie, Janoris Jenkins
I don’t know. Who cares?

S – Malcolm Jenkins, Montae Nicholson
These two don’t fill up the stat sheet, but Jenkins remains an incredibly valuable piece for the Eagles, and Nicholson would get a lot more deserved credit if the rest of the defense didn’t constantly hang him out to dry.

K – Jake Elliott
Only made four field goals so far, but he’s the only 100% kicker in the division

P – Tress Way
Highest punt average in the NFL; 8 punts downed inside the 20 and 0 touchbacks.

KR – Miles Sanders
2nd highest return average in the NFL.

PR – TJ Jones
That’s a real player. I promise.


Sir Squatch

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